Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

Push and Pull .31

Valerie

Family is something people put above everything. There's religions who prioritize it, people who give up dreams just for those who share the same DNA. A lot can be said about family, both good and bad.

But to someone who hasn't had a real sense of family since she was five it doesn't mean much. People say you should forgive, that you only get one family. But that's not true. Family is wherever you decide your home is. My mother died and as far as I'm concerned the man I called my father died at the exact same time. I haven't seen my siblings since grade school and I've been alone since I was 18. I don't care what blood runs through my veins, I will not be a victim of the ideology that family knows best when they don't know shit about me.

So my dad showing up did me little good. Patrick accused me of being mean. Said that I didn't even give him a chance. He had 23 years to reach out. To find me. He had over 8,400 days to be the man he was supposed to be. But he never came, and from what his kid told me he never changed either. I am not going to sit here and wait for him to make things right, it would be a waste of time. He lost his wife and I get that's hard. I'm the only girl in the family and I know every time he looked me in the eyes he saw her. It was difficult to look at me and remember that everything had fallen apart. But it was hard for us kids too.

I've ignored Patrick for a while and I haven't been to work. Honestly I've been on the couch for a few days just thinking. Trying to figure out what is the right thing to do. To see him again, to ignore him like he has ignored me. Honestly Patrick was the only one I wanted to talk to but he doesn't understand. Family is everything to him where it meant nothing to me.

I go into work and get a few hours in. A little before 10 am the door opens up and Patrick walks in. I should have known he wouldn't leave me alone for much longer. He gave me space but not enough that he can't close the gap.

"Can we talk? Please" he begs.

"I don't want to talk Patrick" I whisper.

"I don't want to either. But we need to" he insists.

I let out a sigh because he's right. So I take my break and we sit by the back patio. His arms cross over his chest as he looks down at me.

"Why do you insist on pushing me away" he starts.

"Why do you always come back" I challenge.

"I think that's a pretty shitty question. You don't need to ask why I'm here, you already know" he accuses.

"I'm afraid I don't. Why? Why do you come back time after time? No matter how hard I try and keep you away you end up finding me. There's no feelings I can hide that you can't find and I don't get why you try so hard to get past these walls. I went my whole life as a after thought, a non-variable. And I'm supposed to believe that you took one look at me and decided I was someone worth remembering" I ask.

"Yes because it's true" he tries.

"And I don't believe you" I defend.

"What do you see when you look at me" he challenges.

"What" I question. Was he really trying to flip this on me?

"When you met me, the way you looked at me was different than anyone else. Like you saw through every front I put on. Every lie I told. For the first time I was seen as I wanted to be seen. So what is it that you saw that decided for you that I wasn't going to be like everyone else in your life" he reiterates.

"I saw everything I ever hoped to be. You're assure of yourself. Know who you are and what you want to be. Every question thrown at you wasn't met with more questions. You had answers. And you didn't look through me, your eyes go with me. You saw me and you acknowledged who I was. What I was trying to do. It sounds like the bare minimum but the only person on the street who saw me that day, was you. And that's not a coincidence. Out of all the people in my life who passed me by... you stayed.

And I tried to ignore you like I do everyone else. I thought if I kept you at arms length you would get the hint. Everyone else did. The last thing I needed was for you to be collateral damage in my life from the fights I was fighting. It was never yours to concern yourself with. Then for the first time someone came back after I pushed. I pushed and pushed and you always came back and so I thought maybe, maybe this time was different. Maybe it's okay if this one time instead of pushing I pulled. But I didn't know what would happen. Scared that I wouldn't know what to do the moment you got too close.

Every time someone used to talk to me I wanted to run away. If they looked me in the eyes I imagined I was invisible or could just disappear. But then you looked at me, and you smiled, and I was in a familiar place. I didn't want to hide, I felt at home in your eyes. Seen. Appreciated. For the first time in a long time I looked out in the world and it looked back.

I loved my life I lived in the dark, it was always so cold. And you were warm, gentle, and oh so bright. I saw a light in you, and I was willing to take the chance to get close to your light even if I get burned" I explain.

He just stares right at me. Like always.

"All of that and you have the nerve to ask me why I care about you? You feel this way and think that I would be able to not feel something strong towards you? I can't sleep peacefully at night because I'm wondering if you are okay. If you've taken care of yourself, if you are being kind to yourself. Feelings like yours don't arise without them being reciprocated.

And I know you tell yourself that I shouldn't care. That what happens to you is none of my business. But it's been my business the moment you decided I was worthy of your trust.

You don't have to be alone anymore. If you want to be that's just fine. I know there's times where you need a break, I get that. Say the word and I will give you some space. But not enough to make you question whether or not I want you. Because I do, I always have. Valeri I-" he freezes.

It's almost like I could see the next words on a teleprompter above his head. He looked scared, he looked shocked. Neither of us could say a word so we just stand there. All the words that need to be said staying inside.

"I don't know what to do" I whisper. "My dad offered my grandma $200 and told her to never contact him again. She told him to shove it and she didn't want to hear from him ever again anyway. And now he's here and I don't know what to do."

"I don't either. But I'm not here to fix your problems. I'm here to help you in any way I can. I can't do that if you don't tell me these things" he tries.

"Maybe I didn't tell you because I couldn't" I defend.

"You can tell me anything" he insists.

"How am I supposed to tell you that you are the reason I want to get up in the morning, and the only reason I can dream at night? How am I supposed to tell you things I wouldn't even admit to myself? These feeling I have every time I close my eyes makes me want to throw up. I don't know what it is that I feel but god if I could bottle it up and meet it forever I would. They way you look at me... sometimes I swear I could fly. You think I'm strong but I'm not, and I'm terrified to show you my weakness. Scared that if I tell you something then your opinion of me would change" I explain.

"You are the most incredible woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Nothing you can tell me will ever change that" he promises.

"How do I know that for sure" I question.

"You'll just had to trust me, just as I trust you" he says.

"Okay, I trust you" I promise.