Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

Left Behind .35

Patrick

It's been three days since I talked to Valerie and four days since we last saw each other. I thought maybe she ran into her dad again or maybe it's some work thing. But I've reached out to the hotel and they haven't heard from or seen her either. Her landlord was looking for her as well. For someone with one friend and no family you wouldn't think her lack of presence would be so noticeable. But to me it's like the world went dark and I can't see. There was no one to light the way.

At this point what is there to do? I loved her with no limits, no regrets, but she's still who she has always been. I fell in love with that same girl who despises the world yet would do anything to help a total stranger. Not some version of her she projects so people won't get attached. It was that same girl who pushed everyone she loved away because she thought it would protect them. I knew there was a chance this could happen. And when it did that it had nothing to do with me. It couldn't be helped. She believed that if she got too close, that if she were to fall in love, that she would never be happy. Or she couldn't make whoever else happy. There's nothing I can do that could undo the 26 years of damage that made her this way. Her way of thinking came from a place of hurt, the kind of hurt I'll never be able take away or understand. Going into this relationship I knew that she could run and I would be left behind.

For the first time she wouldn't be the one that is left behind.

But I know deep in my heart that she belongs with me. And if fate should have it she will come back on her own accord. Then when she does I can tell her how I really feel.

I can't do that for her. She has to decide on her own if her feelings are worth giving up on. Or if she wants to fight for something she knows might hurt her one day.

I stand at the bottom of her building and I look up to the second floor. The lights still off. The plant in her window starting to die. She got those things to see if she could stick to something and nurture it. To give it meaning. I guess she was right that she wasn't cut out to care for plants. But she cared for me, brought me soup when I was sick and lended a hand when she really didn't need to. Because of her I could see what I was once blind to. Things might not work out the way she hopes but when it came to me she was perfect. Wouldn't change her for the world.

Eventually I leave her place and head back to mine. I get stopped when I hear glass shattering and people screaming. There was a robbery at a liquor store around the corner and it was causing quite the chaos. It's Chicago, things like this are more common than we would like to admit. I watch as the guy makes his get away and no one chases after him. No one makes a effort to stop him.

I couldn't help but to think what this world would be like with more Valerie's in it. People who will stand up for what's right, even when they're standing alone. Who couldn't care less about consequences of their actions if that means they could help someone. God this place would be wonderful. Maybe not much would change because they could only do so much, but I know she's touched countless lives even if she doesn't leave a fingerprint behind. So many benifit from the kind of person she is.

I get home and take a long hot shower. Once I get out I see a missed call from my mom so I call her back.

"Hi dear" she starts.

"Hey momma" I sigh.

"Oh no. I heard that sigh, something is wrong" she accuses.

"I'm fine" I try.

"I never said you weren't which assures me that you are indeed not fine" she counters.

"It's been a rough few days... that's all" I insist.

"Tell me, what's going on" she asks.

"It's complicated" I defend.

"Complicated how" she questions.

"You know Valerie" I start.

"Of course I do sweetie. We see her almost every time we're in town now. She's a sweet girl" she says.

"I can't seem to get ahold of her or find her. She lived her life quietly so she can slip in and out of places without notice. Kept to herself and made sure to cover any track she leaves. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she isn't around.

But I thought... I thought I could be enough to maybe make her stay? I don't know, now that I say it out loud it sounds silly. To think I can change her history like that. But god I wanted her to stay. Would do anything to assure myself she would be around.

If I knew she was going to be gone I would have told her that I loved her. And that I want to spend my life with her. She has changed me in ways I couldn't imagine, allowed me to not only show someone my true self but to embrace that person. To be who I want to be despite who is around and what people tell me. And I never would have seen these things if it weren't for her challenging the way I look at the world. The way I perceive myself and project onto others. She has been better than anything I deserve.

I miss her" I whisper.

God that felt good to get out. I just wish I was able to tell her these things.

"I'm so sorry sweetie" she starts.

"It's okay. I got in over my head emotionally. I knew the consequences and I did it anyway. The worst part is I wouldn't change it for the world" I nod.

"She sounds important to you. And I won't pretend to understand how you guys feel. I only know a love of my own. But from the sounds of it you guys created something strong, something everlasting. And I don't think you should give up just yet. Sometimes patience heals what action cannot. Feelings like yours is created over time, and it will make more sense over time too. Trust that she will come back to you, and if she does don't let her go" she encourages.

"I won't. But I'm afraid she won't come back. She doesn't think she has a home, a place where she belongs. When she's in my arms I know she is right where she is meant to be" I say.

"Then that should be enough. You don't need to justify your feelings, ever. Do your best to understand then act accordingly" she suggests.

"Thank you momma. I don't know what I would do without you" I shake my head.

"I like to think I raised a independent boy, but I love to give the occasional help from momma" she admits.

"You know me best. I hope it's always like this" I insist.

"For as long as I live" she promises.