Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

beLIEve .55

Patrick

Now that it's the beginning of April the winter weather starts to get left behind. Thoughts of summer and vacations and new beginnings were on the horizon.

Though in the sense of hockey things weren't looking too good, everything else was looking up. The more time I spend with Valerie the harder it gets to imagine a life without her. Now I'm not thinking about getting down on one knee or anything like that. But I do want to see her as much as I can. She's been taking shifts at the daycare that match up my schedule and is a lot more open to doing things in public with me. I make sure she's comfortable with whatever it is we do and she always at least tries, just for me.

"What are you thinking so hard about" she asks as she looks across the kitchen at me. We were at my place trying out a recipe she found online. And as per usual she was cooking and I was being an encouraging boyfriend.

"You" I admit and she smiles.

"Try not to hurt yourself" she teases.

"Sometimes I feel like I can never figure you out" I admit.

"The easiest way to figure out, is to ask" she reminds me.

"See but I know that you will give me the real answer no matter what I want you to say, and that scares the shit out of me" I admit making her smile.

"Then don't ask" she tries.

"But I need to know" I insist.

"About what" she challenges.

"About our future" I explain.

She turns the stove down to a calm simmer and placed the lid on top. Slowly she turns to me with those damn hazel eyes.

"What is it that you're thinking about" she questions.

"That I love you. And I want to keep loving you as much as possible" I confess.

"Wasn't that always the plan" she questions.

"I'm talking about us being together. Like living together. Then I don't have to worry about you being lonely or if you're smiling. Then I would know" I admit.

The room falls silent as the lid on the pans ever so subtle shaking fills the air. I couldn't read her expression, it's like it was in another language.

"Oh" is all she says.

"That's... pretty much how I imagined this would go" I laugh.

"I don't want to worry you Patrick, but I would be lying if I said I thought about us moving in together any time soon. I mean I am just now figuring out how to really live for myself, to find who I am. I haven't been thinking about such a big step" she admits.

"It's been almost a year we've known each other. Is it really that big of a deal" I ask.

"To me it is. This isn't something I can up and decide on. I need time to think. What does this mean for us, for me" she asks.

"We belong together. That much I know. If we lived together then nothing can stop us. Maybe it's fate? Who's to say it isn't" I challenge.

"Me? Our fate is exactly what we choose it to be. No person is born with a singular path and we would be a fool to live that way. John Lennon said it best. "There is nowhere you can be where you're not meant to be." And he's right, wherever we are is where we're meant to be. The only way we get there is by being who we are not matter what higher power you believe in" she argues.

"It's all in gods plan" I say making her scoff.

"Why should I believe in god? Everything happens for a reason, huh, so what was the reason? Why did my mom have to die? Why did my dad stop loving me? Why did I have to suffer for years and why did no one care? I'm supposed to think that there's answers to these questions, that there was a higher purpose to all of this. That fate made me suffer so.

There's nothing left to believe in. I can't put faith in what I don't know, what I can't see. You can, I hope that never changes. If you believe in god then good for you. I hope he gives you everything you pray for. But you can't expect me to believe in something I never experienced before" she says.

"That's the thing about belief though. It's there when you can't see or hear or touch it. It's the only thing we have to go off of sometimes. I believe in you, in us, that's why I asked" I defend.

"It's hard to believe when all I can see is the word "lie" in the middle. It's in the spelling. Everything I once believed in lied. It let me down and so if I don't believe..." she trails off.

"I just... I guess I don't understand. I mean what you're saying all sounds like you, and it makes sense. The way you live is far different than I do and that isn't the problem. I guess I thought you wanted this too" I sigh.

"It's not that I don't, it's that I never thought about it before. Patrick all I've known is a life of my own. Living along side of people, never with them. Never been half of a home. This isn't something I'm just going to say yes to and figure out later. I know deep down that I want to spend forever with you and this is inevitable. But I don't want to take that inevitability and turn it into a liability. Something where the risk just isn't worth the reward.

I love you Patrick. And I want to spend every second I can with you. But I still need to find my place" she explains to me.

"You belong with me" I insist.

"And maybe that is fate. But fate is still a path, not a destination. And there are still a few footsteps I left behind me that make it hard to make a jump like this. It's nothing you did wrong, and it's nothing I can change. That's just how it is" she sighs.

"Can you... can you think about it" I question.

"I don't imagine I will be able to not think about it" she chuckles.

I grab her shoulders and pull her into my chest. She tries her mightiest to keep the tears from falling. Because she knows she wanted this and I did too. But I also know how hard it would be to jump into this and not give it any thought. To give up everything she knew for a feeling. Feelings are important but they're not practical. They don't take into consideration the reality of situations. And so she wasn't going to commit to something she had honestly never even thought about before today.

"I love you, so much Valerie. And even if we don't live together for years that wouldn't change a thing. Anywhere and any time I love you. There are no limits. Take your time, and do whatever it is your heart tells you" I insist.

"Thank you. I don't deserve you" she sniffles.

"You deserve the world, Val. And I'm doing to do my best to give that to you" I promise.