Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

The Death Of Indifference .33

Valerie

When I was in high school I wrote a story called "The Curse of Indifference". I went on to talk about how the greatest downfall of humans was not love or hate, rather indifference. For it is the enemy of both. I knew what I was talking about, I was the queen of indifference. Didn't care one way or another. Live or die, smile or cry, it all meant the same to me. Opposites didn't interest me, the only thing I had was indifference so no matter the outcome, it didn't affect me.

As I grew older I realized just how right I was. My teachers knew, that paper got me a scholarship I didn't even get to use because a abandoned isolated teengager with no prospects wasn't ever going to go to college. If you asked the people who read my paper they sure thought I would make it far with my education, to me that was the biggest joke of it all. But maybe if I wasn't so indifferent I would have went on to a further education. I would have done something great with my life.

But we will never know. Indifference kills more than love and hate combined. I wish I didn't know that first hand. I wish it didn't take me this long to realize that not caring wasn't protecting myself from anything. Instead it was taking all those feelings I was being denied and bottling them up. So now that I care, that I love, I'm at a loss.

Patrick had been gone for a while. Five days I think. And I try and act like it didn't bother me, like I was indifferent to his absence. If you tell yourself that it doesn't matter eventually it doesn't. But not so deep down I knew I wanted him here. I couldn't sway one way or another. I wanted him. It was as simple as that.

I sit in my room with my finger hovering over the call button on my phone. The worst feeling ever is wanting to talk but not wanting to seem like a burden or a rash. Something irritating. I couldn't stand the thought of me wanting to talk to him but him wanting nothing to do with me. I'll never know if I don't ask so I stay silent, which is just as bad as being indifferent.

The thing is when you go your whole life being ignored you're comfortable with letting things die and not doing anything about it. You can get away with murder really. It's like being invisible, like I can move around the water without displacing a single drop or causing waves. I could move through this life as if I wasn't even here. And I loved that. It let me do things that others couldn't. But it also led me to believe that it was always going to be that way and I would be happy.

I'm not happy moving through this life as a non variable anymore. Watching from a distance never seeing for myself what it means to mean something to someone. As a little girl there was no wanting to grow up and get married and have friends. I wanted to move with fluidity, afraid of someone that is permanent.

My fear of feeling the way I do now and it not being reciprocated is far stronger than any childhood dream. Knowing that a big part of me rests with him terrified me. Especially when I don't know if these feelings are even remotely reciprocated. I have a good read on him but that's not enough. I wanted to hear what exactly it is I mean to him. And I need to know if I'm already in too far.

After twenty minutes of contemplating I lock my phone and tuck it under my pillow. I couldn't bring myself to call him knowing he played a game tonight and he was probably tired. Or maybe he was with his friends out on the town, exactly where he belongs.

Slowly I start to drift off before I get awoken by vibrating. After struggling to locate my phone I get it out from under my pillow. Once I pull it out I see Patrick's picture pop up making my heart skip a beat. It took me no time to answer and rest my phone on my ear.

"Hey Patrick" I start.

"Hey Val. I didn't wake you, did I" he asks.

"No. I was resting but I wasn't asleep" I assure him.

"How are you today? What did you have to eat" he asks and I smile.

"I'm well. I had roasted salmon and a side salad for dinner. Though I did forget to eat lunch" I admit.

"I need you to take care of yourself Valerie. If you get sick a lot of people will suffer" he insists.

"Who? Like you" I scoff.

"Yes actually. You think I'm always on your case about eating and resting and making sure your okay just because? I have my reasons. So yeah, I will suffer if something were to happen to you" he claims.

"Well don't. It's inevitable one day all the crap I've been through will catch up. There's no stopping or slowing it down" I insist.

"You don't deserve to suffer. Even if you messed up or neglected the past. If it's inevitable you don't have to go through it alone" he tries.

"I hate being alone" I whisper.

The line falls silent as I close my eyes. If I open them I will most definitely start crying.

"I thought you said you like being alone" he says softly.

"I used to. Sometimes it's nice to not have a million voices in your head. I thought it would be easier to walk a solitary path. Stay undetected so I can come and go as I please. Never know the pain of wanting something I know I can't have. And never knowing the fear of not having someone's shadow to hide in" I explain.

"And what changed" he wonders.

"Everything" I sigh. "I just know that this darkness is now cold. And I'm not strong enough to look this life in the face and be able to go it alone. There is no more room for indifference, not caring one way or another. It's time I finally choose but I don't even know my options. I thought I was protecting people by shutting them out. Protecting myself too. But all I was doing was pushing away every good thing that could happen for me.

That is until this stubborn man pushed his way in and made his own key. He's opened me up in ways I couldn't imagine. But the only thing was he takes his key with him" I explain.

"I'm sorry" is all he says.

"It's okay. This is the death of indifference. The curse it had on me is gone and now I have to figure out on my own what it means to care. There's nothing you can do about it until you're back so don't worry your pretty little head about it" I insist.

"Too late" he teases.

"So when are you coming home" I wonder.

"Not until the weekend. But don't worry because as soon as I am back we can find a good Italian restaurant and order the nicest wine. My treat" he insists.

"Deal" I nod.