Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

Healing .50

Valerie

It took some digging and some help from Patrick but I was able to contact my older brothers through Facebook. One was still home in Indiana and another actually was not too far from us in Joliet, Illinois. I'm not even sure if dad knew where they were or if they've been in contact with him any more than I have. I know it's been at least 17 years since Keith Junior was born. From the sounds of it they had all but given up on him too.

Patrick has them and their families come out for a hockey game and I wasn't sure this was the best plan. These games aren't exactly the best place to reconnect. I can't imagine my emotions being flooded with "Detroit sucks" chants but they already agreed and Patrick was just trying to help.

Before the game we meet up for lunch. Patrick gets us a quiet place in a nice restaurant not too far from the rink. We were there first and I sit in my seat trying not to spiral. I didn't know what I would feel, what to say. What if I don't feel anything? Then what?

"Val" a familiar voice says and I smile. I look up to see Patrick with that worried expression on his face.

"I'll be okay sweetie, I promise" I say as I reach up and cup his chin. He just nods as he stands up. The next second the door opens and we both freeze.

It might have been over two and a half decades since I've seen him but I know that is Victor. He still had that scar above his left eye from a motor bike accident when we were still living together. Long wavy brown hair and big bushy eyebrows. The same hazel eyes as me.

He was pretty big as he was a football coach for a high school in Joliet. He also taught History there. It seemed he was doing pretty well. I hoped he was.

He also had a beautiful woman next to him and two little girls in front. They looked like mom, I'm sure he realized. They were adorable young girls, it made my heart happy.

No one says anything as we just stare. A few seconds later a huge smile spreads across his face. He steps around his girls to come to where I was. Without a word he pulls me out of my seat and into a big hug.

I don't react at first. I wasn't much of a reactionary person to begin with. I take time to analyze what it is I feel, and what I plan to gain from what was happening. But my mind wasn't analyzing, it was blank. There wasn't a damn thing happening.

"I'm so happy to see you again, I was always thinking of you, Valerie" he whispers in my ear.

A gasp escapes as the empty feeling is taken over by a flood of emotions. I went from feeling nothing to everything in a matter of seconds. My arms quickly wrap around him as I closed my eyes. My heart flushes as the emotions takes over. So this is what it feels like, to have unconditional love.

We break apart and I open my eyes. He had tears in his as he smiles down at me. "Wow you have grown. So beautiful, so strong" he claims.

"And you! You are a lot taller than when I last saw you" I admit. He bellows a hearty laugh and it makes me remember back when we were kids. When life was good.

He introduces me to his wife Heather and youngest daughter Laura. He pulls the older daughter into him as he turns to me. "This... this is Valerie" he claims.

My eyes nearly pop out of my head as I look her up and down. No way he named her after me. I grew up thinking there wasn't a person in this world who ever thought of me. If I wasn't present it was like I was the wind. Not seen or often noticed but always there. And now they are here to prove me wrong.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Valerie" I say softly.

"My dad said he named me after someone he lost. Someone he missed. Is that you" she asks me.

"I guess so" I nod.

After a few minutes later Vance shows up and he was just like I would imagine. Loud and had no sense of personal space. That much hasn't changed. He was by himself but he said his girlfriend was back in Indiana taking care of her parents and couldn't make it. But promised we would all be together soon.

Eventually we sit down and order some food. I have Patrick on one side of me and Vince on the other. Everyone talks but I remain quiet like always. I feel eyes on me but too scared to meet them.

"Valerie" Vince starts.

I look up to see him staring me down. He reminds me of dad but not to the point I can't like him. But this feeling wasn't a great one. Because I know that look. That look was the same one Patrick gives me when he knows something needs to be said but I don't want to say it.

"Yes" I finally reply.

"Tell us. What are you like? It's been so long and we've missed so much. Now that we're here we won't miss anything new. But what was growing up like? What was grandma Tara like" he wonders.

I just smile because I never thought I would've been in this position. Explaining to my siblings what it was like to know of their existence but always be left wondering what they were like. All while trying to figure out who I was too.

"I was pretty lonely. Grandma Tara was a amazing soul and exactly who should be raising me. But she was still old and she still felt sorry for me. I could tell in her eyes, every time she looked at me. She saw her daughter and it hurt her. She saw that I wasn't living a very good life and wished she could give me more. I was alone but I was alone with her. And I liked it that way.

But it was still hard, growing up isolated. Casted away by everyone. I looked around and I never saw anyone there for me. Sure it sucked but it made me strong. I'm not scared to be alone, not anymore at least. There is no fear I find in being by myself. I know enough to survive, make it through the hardest situations on my own. I'm more scared to be with someone. To trust in someone and let them guide me on this journey. I never had anyone to help me when I fell down or to brush the dirt off my back when the kicks would kick it at me.

I couldn't heal because I kept pretending it didn't hurt. That the wound wasn't that deep. But it was practically all the way through me, being alone hurt me to my core. Pierced all the way through my heart. I just pretended like I didn't care. In doing so I also didn't allow myself to heal. Faking a smile was easier than trying to explain why it hurt so bad.

It wasn't until recently did learn to heal. When dad showed up again it set me back. Reminded me that the whole reason I struggled was because he decided for me to be alone. But I have to find peace in decisions I do not make" I explain.

"I'm so sorry" Vince says.

"Don't be. It's not your fault. Ask Patrick here, there's no point in getting caught up in my past. Nothing we do now will change it" I admit.

"She's right" Patrick agrees.

"But you're okay now" Vince assured himself.

I turn and look at Patrick who was already looking at me. That feeling of unconditional love returns as I smile.

"Yeah, I'm okay" I admit.