Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

Beat For You .34

Patrick

There is something Valerie told me when we first met, a quote that really stuck with me. One that made me want to see her again to learn more about the way she thinks. She said the smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention. And at first I blew it off, didn't think anything of it. I lived a big life so a small deed didn't seem like it would mean much. That was until she got me this ring. I wear it around my neck every game. I set it on my nightstand every night and just stare at it. It wasn't anything crazy, no diamonds and no gold. What it did have was much more valuable. It had a piece of us in there. A constant reminder that my whole life had changed and she was the reason why. That was more important than anything money could buy. But that little thing made me more happy than any empty promise anyone else has made me in my life. I would rather have this small piece of us than the grandest promises.

Dreams, thoughts, prayers, they only get you so far. It's not always about the size but instead the weight. My whole life people promised me the world. The grandest of good intentions. It wasn't until I took the time to understand what she said did it ever truly mean something to me. And now it means everything to me.

I sit in my apartment with my phone in hand. I tried to call Valerie a few times but I couldn't get ahold of her. I wanted nothing more than to see her again, it's been too long. God it feels like a lifetime we've apart. All I want is to be together again. 

So like the idiot I am I pull on my clothes and head to the hotel. It was pretty slow for a Thursday night so I knew it would be okay to see her. I walk up to the front desk and find her standing there. Her eyes fixated on the screen as she types away. Though she doesn't stay at a job for long she does try her best when she's there. With all she's done she has endless knowledge about a lot of things. She was like a sponge. And all this experience made it so she knew more than she ever should about this world.

Eventually she looks up and immediately she spots me. I don't know if she knew I was standing here or if it was just a hunch. But the smile on her face assured me she knew it was me. She tells her coworker something before coming over to me. Her walk turns into a run as she sprints into my arms. My hands wrap around her waist tightly until she was safe in my arms again. I close my eyes taking her in, remembering this feeling of being home.

"My god I missed you more than anything" I whisper in her ear. 

"I can't believe you're here" she says softly.

"I was trying to call but I didn't want to wait until you could be on your phone again to see you" I admit.

We break apart and she takes a step back. The smile runs from her face as her eyes meet the ground. The whole demeanor of the room gets dark as we just stand there.

"Are you okay" I ask softly.

"Yeah I- I just really missed you. That's all" she tries.

Something's off with her. Every effort I make to get close recently she pushes me away. And not in the way she used to where it was a act, when I could tell she pushed because that's all she knew how to do. This was like she was trying to get me away from her. I don't know what happened while I was away but I don't like it. Not one bit. I thought we were finally getting to the point where we could finally tell each other our true feelings but now I can't get more than five words out of her. Every time her eyes meet mine she looks away. She jumps at my touch. Did something happen and I wasn't there to help her? Or did she have a realization of some sorts? Because that is what I'm afraid of most. It won't take much for her to convince herself that things have to be a certain way despite the way she feels. I can see in her eyes, she holding her feelings back. She feels like she has to lock them away so no one will feel the burdens she feels. Will have to carry even a ounce of the weight she carry's every single day. And while I admire her strength, her perseverance, I'm not someone she has to be strong around. Yet her defenses with me seem as strong as ever.

"Can we walk" I ask.

"For a little, yeah" she agrees.

So we walk outside and stroll along the sidewalk. It was quite cold so I wrap my arm around her. Usually she looks up at me, smiles, something. But she couldn't bring herself to do so.

"Are you mad at me" I ask.

She stops before turning to me. "I could never be mad with you" she claims.

"Then what's happening? Because it feels different. When I left things were going so well..." I try. 

"And then you left, Patrick" she reminds me.

"Valerie I can't prevent that from happening. You know that" I defend.

"I do know that. And it's not your intention to hurt me by taking off for a week at a time. But the grandest intention is nothing, even if it means you intend to stay. My mom didn't mean to leave me neither, nor my father or grandmother. But it didn't matter what they intended to happen. In the end all that matters is what did happen.

And it's not your fault you're leaving. I know you have to. And I know you'll come back. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. I never had a feeling like this, like I'm so empty. But missing you was a pain unlike anything I know. All it took was for you to come back to fix everything. That's scary" she says.

"It is. I feel it too. And I worry about the fact I can't protect you as well being gone all the time. God if I could stay here and be with you I would. But I can't" I remind her.

"That's nothing either of us can change" she insists.

"That isn't true. A lot of small deeds can add up, and then we won't even think about the grand intentions because we'll have the little things to remind us that the distance is worth it" I explain.

"I don't want you changing everything for me" she insists.

"I'm not changing. I'm finally living for myself, doing what makes me happy despite what would make others happy" I say.

"And I love that for you. In fact that's all I ever wanted. That guy I know to be brave enough to show himself to others. But I never knew how much it could hurt too" she whispers.

I feel my heart skip a beat as my eyes start to swell. If I knew loving her would have hurt her... well I guess it was inevitable. And just when I wanted to tell her, to scream it for all to hear, we are here in this moment. Where she doesn't need to hear an I love you. All she needs is a small good deed.

"Let me see your hand" I say.

She holds her hand out and I softly grab it. I place it above my heart pulling her into me. "Until I say any differently my heart is yours. And I know you wouldn't do anything to break it. Just as I would do anything to protect yours. As long as it beats, it will beat for you" I promise.

A sad smile comes to her face as she looks at me. That's as close as saying I love you as I am allowed. For now that will have to do.