Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

How To Love .36

Valerie

It's been a while since I've been in Chicago. I'm sure I don't have a job now that I've been gone and beside Patrick I didn't think anyone would really miss me either. I made sure of it. But I did need to go home for a little while. Clean up the kitchen and take care of bills. So I try to sneak back up to my place without anyone noticing.

I've been staying in a motel back in my hometown. I don't know why I keep going back there, I don't have many memories of the place. But the few memories I do have are nice. And this way I can watch over Keith from afar, make sure he's sticking to what he said he would do.

It was really late so I move as quiet as I can. But as I get to my door I see someone sitting outside of it. They were in all black with their head resting on their knees. As I get closer I see familiar blonde hair and I freeze.

My hope was that he forgot about me. That he moved on once he realized I was gone. It's only been a week but that's a lifetime for people like us who relied on each other heavily when it comes to our emotions. But I see I wasn't gone long enough. I was hoping for a clean break but seeing him like that... there was shards of glass all around me and no matter where I step, I'm going to get cut.

I try to turn and walk away but I hear him get up. "Valerie! Valerie" he calls out and I stop. The way he says my name gets me every time.

I slowly turn around and see Patrick quickly coming towards me. I wanted more than anything to run away. To keep running and never look back. But my feet knew I needed to stay and so I did.

"I don't know if I want to yell at you or kiss you. I can't tell if I'm pissed off or relieved. I practiced what I would say when I saw you again over and over again in my head but I forgot it all. You always make me confused but this... this more than my heart can handle. It's been a week Valerie and you haven't been home, you haven't been at work. Your phone has been off and your car is gone. I have been sitting outside of your door praying you would come home never knowing if you would. Just praying that these past seven months would be enough to bring you back.

And you didn't even let me know if you were okay. You couldn't even give me the peace of mind. I didn't know a thing and was left only with thoughts of what could have been. We have been through so much together. You were a piece of my life I didn't know how to live without. And you left me.

Why" he sniffles.

I feel a warm tear hit my cold face as I shake my head. What I was trying to do was right, I believe that. But how I did it was wrong and I hurt him. I never... I never wanted to hurt him. God I would do anything to make sure he would never feel pain from my doing.

"I thought that if I left you wouldn't care" I whisper.

"Bull shit! Bull fucking shit! You know that's not true. That's some sorry ass answer you and I both don't believe. Try again" he demands.

"I know you cared... but I thought I could make it so you wouldn't. So that eventually once you stopped being upset with me you would forget about me. It worked for my dad. Out of sight out of mind. I wanted you to look into the future no longer worried about me, without you having to explain what I mean to you to your friends or family when neither of us know what's going on" I say.

A small gasp passes his lips and I could tell that he truly thought I didn't know. All the times he had to stick up for me. When he had to explain why he keeps me around when we are so different. He didn't think I couldn't see that I did not fit in with his life. Like a puzzle piece that has a million sides never truly meant to fit in anywhere. Especially not the kind of life he lived.