Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

Enough .32

Valerie

Now that my dad knows where I am I feel unsettled. There once was peace in knowing I would never see that man again. And I didn't think he would have the balls to show up after literally throwing me away and never speaking to me again. I don't know what he thought would happen but I want nothing to do with him. In fact I wanted to steal his kid away just so he wouldn't have to continue living knowing his dad was a waste of space. Maybe Patrick could help him with hockey or I could help him with school. Teach him all the insufferable lessons my fathers absence taught me but not have to figure it all out all on his own.

I would have killed for a brother or sister. Someone to talk to, to confide in. Because as great as my grandmother was she was old and she wasn't prepared to raise a kid after not having to raise one for decades. She did her best but I wasn't her problem to have in the first place. Having someone else who saw the world the way I did, who felt something similar to me, that would have changed everything. Instead I feel like now that I have my life together my dad finally thinks I'm worth something. And that's a awful feeling.

Now that it's October I get to enjoy the cooler temperatures. My daily walks are a bit longer and if I can eat outside, I do. Today I decide to go around the quieter parts of town. I know walking alone all the time isn't safe but I pray for whoever tries to take me because I'm sure I can make them break before anyone could break me.

"I knew I would find you here" a familiar voice says and I stop in my tracks. I turn to see Patrick walking towards me.

"This is getting borderline stalkerish" I admit.

"Maybe we're just so connected I know where to find you" he tries.

"You still came looking for me. That's still creepy" I remind him.

"It's not creepy... it's admiration. I know I have a good time when you're with me. So why wouldn't I want to be around you" he asks.

"Oh I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that you're famous enough to never pay for a meal around here or the fact that you have thousands of girls throwing themselves at you" I defend.

"Do those girls bother you" he accuses with that devilish smirk of his.

I scoff as I lean up against a light pole. "As if. Pretty sure there isn't a single thought behind most of those eyes" I say as I roll mine.

"That's being mean Val" he says.

"Why should I care what those girls think? In what world would me being worried about everyone else help me in any way? I've gotten this far in life by not caring about opinions based off of nothing. Valuing what I hold close not what I think of others. In the end it shouldn't matter what I say about them. My opinion is irrelevant" I explain.

"So you don't care what other people think? No one at all" he questions.

"I once cared what people thought about me. Just a little kid looking into a world that never looked back. I wanted to fit in so damn bad I turned invisible. All I wanted was for someone to tell me that who I was is enough. For someone to look me in the eyes and say that they're happy I'm here, and actually mean it. Because when I look my dad in the eyes I see regret. When I looked into my grandmas eyes I saw pity. When I look into the eyes of those passing by... I see nothing.

So yeah, maybe I cared what I looked like in the eyes of others. Until I realized that what looked back at me was the feeling of being less than. The feeling of being worthless" I explain.

"I hate it when you talk like that" he mumbles making me sigh. I felt like such a pain in his ass sometimes. And I would take all the feelings of emptiness, of uselessness, before ever feeling like a burden to him. "Valerie you've always been enough. Sure you've changed, and this version of you here is someone anyone would be proud of. Nobody needs to see that but you. Even when you were just a drop of sunlight, you were enough to light up peoples world. You just weren't given the chance to. But it doesn't take away from the fact that you... have always been enough. And I hope you know that."

I slowly turn to him as he just stares down at me. This man means everything to me and I couldn't tell him. How could I tell him when this attachment will only hold him back? He's a superstar for fucks sake and he's walking around the city trying to find me and for what? For feelings I cannot act upon? It isn't fair to him.

"If it makes you feel any better, I don't feel like that when I look in your eyes. Not at all" I admit.

His eyes get a bit brighter as he lightens up. A soft smile fighting it's way onto his face.

"Oh yeah? What do you feel when you look into my eyes" he wonders.

"Like the stars in the sky" I admit. "You're funny and admired and respected. People listen when you talk, and they can see you. In any room people will be able to point you out. Just like a star.

But there's millions of them, and each one represents a good feeling that only you can give me. I only see those things when you're looking at me. It's almost like you see as a million beautiful stars too. I'd rather you want to see me like that" I say.

"Valerie I think you are one of the greatest human beings in the world. And even though most misunderstand you, ignore you. I get you and I see you. And I would wander this city for days just to see you. To sit and talk for a while" he claims.

"That sounds nice" I admit.

He sheds his jacket before wrapping it around my shoulders. I would argue with him and throw it back but that wouldn't change a thing. So I let him wrap me with his warmth and I enjoy the scent of his cologne that lingered on his clothes.

"Better" he asks as he rubs my arms. Even though his skin wasn't on mine my arms tingle as if they were.

"Yeah" I say softly.

He wraps his arms around me as we just walk. Neither of us speak yet so much was being said. It was like we were meant to walk this life together, no matter what I told myself to convince me otherwise.