Moving Mountains (Patrick Kane)

I Believe .38

Valerie

Patrick sits across me at his dinner table high above the city. I always enjoyed coming over to his apartment, it's a lot more lively. But there's a also more things that distracted us from this conversation that needed to happen more than anything. The lights were dim and it was dark outside. Now that it's almost Christmas the sun was a rarity. It was always overcast and cold, shooing away the weak. It's been a few days since he's been back and we've tried to talk, but the words we said weren't what needed to be said. It was filler, fluff, the things that we say just to be safe. Things that once was said... didn't change a thing. And that's exactly what we wanted.

So we thought it would be a good idea to sit down and talk. Put it all on the table and read the cards. But so far all we've done is sit down. The cards were there but neither of us had the guts to show our hand.

"So... you cut your hair" he starts making me giggle.

"That was awful way to start this conversation" I say making him smile too.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. I do love your haircut but that's not what I wanted to say" he admits.

"I know. Right now words are hard to come by. Usually I always have something to say. But for the first time in my life I'm at a loss for words. I've studied humans from afar for forever but it's different when it's you. The line isn't so clear up close" I say.

"Ain't that the truth. I thought I knew what it felt like to be in love. But I don't remember it being so scary. Like if I lost someone I would lose myself. Like how I need you like I need water. And there wasn't anything that would stop me from finding you again. Even if you told me you wanted nothing to do with me. At least then I would know. But the thought of you being out there feeling any kind of pain like mine of missing you. Of wanting you. It was enough to break my heart.

So yeah, I'm scared. Not of what others with say or what this changes in my life. Scared that I would have to move forward and you wouldn't be by my side to move with me" he says.

I reach over and place my hand on top of his. My thumb softly runs over his knuckles as he just smiles. His eyes staring at the point of contact where my skin met his.

"I went out to find myself, and all I found was emptiness. Nothing. I was missing you and it took me being away to see that. I went home for a while. Tried to figure out if things were ever actually going to change with me or if I would be stuck in the endless cycle of creating then leaving before I couldn't leave anymore. I thought I could leave you. Go home and start over. But that wasn't home, you were. And I don't want to start over, for the first time in my life I want to stay. I figured if we were apart long enough the ties would be easier to cut through, but they were made of steel and I had safety scissors. Now there is no denying that I belong here with you. I had gone my whole life believing my presence was temporary. That I would never truly belong anywhere. Then I became a part of your life and you wouldn't let me slip away. I tried so many times. I tried ripping off the bandage too. But it didn't feel right, to turn back and not see you there.

Sometimes I hate how stubborn you are. How you are down my throat making sure I am eating and sleeping. I wish you would just do what I say and had left me alone. Ignored me like the rest of the world. You should have walked by me that day on the street and you wouldn't have to deal with these kind of feelings. But instead of just blindly listening to what I said you listened to what my heart was telling you. And you did everything you could to help me when I thought I was helping you.

In my experience love is pain. And in a way I still believe that. But I also think that it might be the best thing in the world" I say.

He stands up from his seat and pulls me up with him. Before I know it I was wrapped up in his arms believing that for the first time in a long time... I was home.

"What do I need to do to have you by my side as a lover" he asks softly.

"I don't know Patrick, that's what's so scary. I'm scared of what it means to be with you, of the life I will lead once I give in. But I'm more scared of what kind of person I will be if I can't show you all the ways I love you" I admit.

"Be with me. I promise that you won't have to change. You will wear all the black clothing your heart desires. You can continue to help people from the shadows and I won't let any unwanted light reach you. We can find a way" he promises.

"How do I know that everything will work out the way you want it to" I ask.

"You'll have to do something that you never really figured out, and that's believe. But I believe in us. This won't work out unless you believe in us too" he insists.

My hand wraps around the back of his neck as I pull him closer. I look into those deep blue eyes trying to find the answer that I already had.

"I believe" I promise.

A smile comes across his face before he leans in. His lips meet mine making my heart beat faster than it ever has before. His arms wrap around my waist tightly until I was up on my toes. Did I really think that this could work? Or am I being a idiots dreamer? I guess only time will tell.

This was the kind of love that makes you want to write songs. That scares the living crap out of you because it will be the best part and worst part of your life. It's that first love where you don't know what to expect or what to do. You just do. Luckily that's the only way I knew how to live.

We slowly break apart and he rests his forehead on mine. My heart still racing like it had to win first place.

"So now what" I ask.

"That is... a very good question" he chuckles.

"Is it selfish that I don't want much to change" I ask.

"No baby, not at all. I don't want much to change either. Just to be able to hold you closer, to love you more" he claims.

"How are we gonna do that" I wonder.

"Let's start off slow. Do some dates, don't force anything. We've built a beautiful relationship by just being there for each other. It doesn't take much for this love to grow" he admits.

"That sounds wonderful" I nod.

He reaches up to cup my cheek and starts to rub his thumb across it. I smile like a idiot as I look up.

"What are you doing this weekend" he wonders.

"I have a long day of staring out my window and making a salad for lunch and dinner, but I think I can move around my self loathing for you" I joke.

"Perfect" he smiles. "Then it's a date."