my salvation (chris evans)

chapter four - rock bottom

Meg's POV
It's the 25th of May. Exactly a month since returning from the holiday and saying goodbye to Chris. Exactly a month of possibly the worst time of my life. It's starting to get warmer. Summer is definitely on the way. Everyone's happy. Everyone except me. I'm at rock bottom, to be honest. And I think people are starting to notice. I think my eyes are permanently bloodshot now; they're constantly sore, red and puffy. I can't remember the last time I got out of bed unless it's to go to work. I barely eat. I barely sleep. I'm just about breathing.

It shouldn't be like this. Surely it shouldn't feel so fucking draining? Physically, mentally, emotionally. Yeah, of course it should be hard. But this? This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Why do I feel like this over a guy I've officially known for a couple of months?

Because I love him. I love him so fucking much and it's slowly killing me. I want to be able to do this. I want to be good enough. I want this to work. But how do I do that? Would telling him this is destroying me really do any good? I want to be strong. I want so badly to be brave. But I'm not. I'm not brave. I'm not strong. I'm a mess.

All the comments are right. He does deserve better than me. What have I got to offer him, really? I'm not good enough for him. He deserves so much more. He deserves someone beautiful, who looks in place at a film premiere. He deserves someone confident, and funny, and smart, and sure of themselves. Someone strong, who doesn't give a shit about what people say about them. I need to wake up and realise I'm never going to be enough. Even if he thinks I am, I'm not. And it's better if it ends this way, now. What we had... it was just a holiday romance.

There's a sudden knock on my bedroom door, making me jump slightly. I quickly wipe the tears away, clearing my throat. "Yeah?" The door creaks open and my mum walks in, giving me that sad smile.

"Hey, honey. I was thinking we could order some takeout tonight? Mark is working extra so we can have a girls night."

"Oh, um, I'm n-not r-really hungry." With a deep sigh, she sits on the edge of my bed and I gulp.

"Meg, you haven't eaten anything all day. I can't remember the last time you ate a proper meal. What's going on?"

"N-Nothing. I'm just— n-not hungry."

"You need to talk to him, honey." I quickly glance away, avoiding eye contact. "You can't keep going on like this. It's breaking my heart seeing you so... broken. I'm worried about you, Meg. We all are. Me, Mark, your friends. Even your brothers."

"I'm fine."

"You're not coping. It's plain to see, and frankly, I'm shocked Chris hasn't noticed and isn't doing anything about it."

"Mum—"

"No, he should know you well enough to see that you're not alright. Yet where is he?"

"Mum, th-this isn't his fault. What d-do you expect him to do?"

"Well he could make an effort to come and see you. It's been a month now. It's not like he can't afford it." I feel a lump in my throat form and I blink, trying to lock away the tears.

"He can't. He's w-working."

"Then he could pay for you to go there for a visit. There's no excuse for him, letting you suffer like this. If he really cares about you, he wouldn't stand for it. He'd find a way."

"He doesn't know!" My voice raises slightly, taking my mum back slightly. I sigh. "He d-doesn't know, alright?"

"But... how? When you guys talk—"

"I hide it, okay? I pr-pretend like everything is f-fine and that I'm happy. And wh-when I can't do that, I avoid him. I m-make excuses." I explain, a slow stream of tears sliding down my cheeks. For a few moments, it's eerily silent, before she sighs.