The Shattered Pieces

KABANATA 9

Until when? Until when should I be pretending? Until when that I keep on putting myself behind because of my past?

Nakakapagod? Sobra pa sa sobra.

I didn't know until when that I will keep on acting this way. Pretending to be fine even though there are thoughts that keeps on bothering me. Na kahit ang takot at kaba sa bawat segundong lumilipas na kasama ko si Samuel, halos ikaataras ko para hindi lang mapalapit pa sa kanya.

Being with him even for a short period of time, it bothers me a lot yet it comfort me. His choice of words amaze me a bit. I admit that fact. And it made my heart flipped a little everytime he's saying something.

I thought he's someone complicated to understand. But he isn't. He's simple and kind. Akala ko no'n ay kagaya sa kung paanong malamig siyang makitungo sa ibang tao ay gano'n na talaga siya. And my assumptions were proven wrong knowing how warm it is to be with him.

"You can only say those words because you haven't seen a person who will turn your thoughts into negativity, Samuel," matabang na sabi ko sa kanya.

I leaned on the recliner of the chair before closing my eyes lightly.

Totoo ang sinasabi ko. That he can say those words only for now. Not until he meet a woman who will turn his virtues into something unwanted.

"Even so, Poresa," he muttered softly.

Napangisi na lang ako sa isinagot niya sa sinabi ko.

Bigla akong napaisip dahil sa sinabi niyang iyon. Hindi ko maiwasan ang mag-isip na baka hindi siya kagaya niya. Hindi katulad niya na kayang sumira ng buhay ng ibang tao.

What he did to us give me frights. Takot sa maraming bagay lalo na kung may kaugnayan sa mga taong kagaya niya. That even trusting someone, it takes me time longer than the usual. Dahil takot ako.

Thinking with what had happened to me, words suddenly left my mouth.

"I'm a victim of rape," closing my eyes while breathing equally, I confessed.

Naramdaman kong mabilis siyang tumigil sa ginagawa niya at biglang lumingon sa akin. I keep my eyes close. Maintaining my calm.

"Alam mo ba kung bakit takot na takot ako no'ng araw na hinawakan mo ako sa braso nang nasa may gate tayo ng NSC?" mahinang tanong ko.

Hindi siya sumagot sa akin kaya itinuloy ko ang sinasabi ko.

"It was because I saw him," I admitted. I instantly feel my chest went heavy. "It was because he was there," I uttered. I heaved a deep breathe and released it softly. "My grandfather was there," I said.

Mas masakit sa akin dahil kadugo ko siya. He tainted my moral because of his fucking libido.

"It was not only me. But also my mother," I smiled bitterly. That I even tasted the bitterness of my words.

Hindi ko maiwasan ang mag-isip na marahil ay diring-diri na siya sa akin. Na baka hindi na nga niya ako kayang tignan dahil sa mga sinasabi ko. But I thought that, he might change his feelings. That he might stop liking me because it isn't good. He will only get judgments for liking someone like me.

"Taon na ang lumipas, oo. But nothing of it will change the fact that I don't deserve anyone..." ani kong nakangiti ng walang buhay.

It's not because I don't want to have someone with me. Kung hindi ay alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi iyon dapat sa akin. Because if I am to tell what I badly wanted, it is to have someone whom I can lean unto. Gusto kong maranasan kung paano ang magkagusto. But I just can't. I shouldn't.