The Shattered Pieces

KABANATA 19

I was shocked. My heart rumble. Both of my feet stopped. And my mind didn't function for a moment when those words entered my ears.

Parang tambol sa ingay ang puso ko nang marinig ko ang mga salitang animo'y hinili ako sapagkat kahit dama ko ang malakas na kabog noon ay ramdam ko naman ang gaan na hatid nito sa akin.

W-what does he mean by that?

Should I...

Pero baka nagkamali lang ako ng dinig o baka naman ay tama rin ako roon ngunit —

"Mama, ang pogi niya po, ano?" ani sa akin ng anak ko.

Napatitig ako kay Ivey nang marinig kong sinabi niya iyon. Sadyang mahilig lang mamuna ang anak ko. Bagay na hindi ko mapigilin kapag may nakikita siya.

My eyebrows lifted up upon hearing my daughter's words about Samuel.

"Pogi?" natanong ko na lamang.

Indeed, Samuel is good-looking though where did she got it? Hindi ko naman siya tinuturuan tungkol sa bagay na ganyan at alam kong bata pa siya. She should study first when she grow up a little. Total naman ay makakapaghintay ang ganyang mga bagay.

Though, just where did she found that word? I never said that Samuel is pogi kaya saan niya iton nakuha? Dahil kahit aminado naman ako at sang-ayon sa anak ko, I should not just tell him that he is dahil hindi iyon tama.

Ngunit sa totoo lang, kung ako ang tatanungin, ay parang gusto ko ang batiin siya pabalik. However, I know that it wouldn't be appropriate. Hindi ako dapat maging ganoon. I already learned on how to set aside myself and let my daughter be my top priority since then. But in my heart, of course, there was a part of it that wanted to greet him after the long run.

Hindi ko man masasabi iyon ng diretso sa kanya at maamin sa sarili ko nang husto, ay alam kong hindi ko rin iyon maipagkakaila lalo na at alam kong may parte sa akin ang nangungulila sa kanya sa mga nagdaang taon.

And besides, it is Samuel. The only person who understands me and made me feel my validity. His validation was the thing that matter to me then. Dahil sa kanya, kay Samuel ko lang naramdaman noon na kahit gaano ako kawasak, ay makakaya pa rin akong buohin ng sarili ko. That accepting myself was the only thing I needed even how thorned I was.

It was because of him. Samuel put me back into a whole again.

I shook my head to disregard my thoughts. It was in the past. Ako, sa ngayon, ay ibang-iba na sa kung ano ako noon.

Sa iilang bagay...

Hearing how he just addressed me rose up my emotions somehow. Though, despite of that, I held the soft and tiny fingers of my daughter gently and completely turned my back from them.

Not because he called me that way, I should give in.

Pinili ko ang talikuran siya pati na rin ang babaing kasama. Hawak-hawak ko si Ivey na lumakad papalayo sa puwestong kinatatayuan nila.

I was walking apart from him and the woman he was with. I didn't know why but suddenly, I wanted to maintain my posture as I head my way to the cottage I paid for. I could feel them. Those gentle pairs piercing on my being.

I couldn't deny it.

I miss Samuel. I miss myself. I miss the life I had with him.

Pagkarating sa cottage ay dali-dali kong ibinaba si Ivey sa kawayan na upuan. Hindi ko pa man natatanggalan ng dala niyang bag ay mabilis na itong tumalon mula sa upuang kawayan at sinilip ang tubig dagat sa ibaba.

The pristine water of the resort with the gentle blows of the summer air, was like a refreshment. It was like chilling out after draining. Preskong-presko iyon na naghahatid ng lamig sa aking balat.

Dumungaw sa akin ang anak ko mula sa pagkasilip sa tubig at malawak ang ngiting kumindat sa akin ng pilya. My brows furrowed and I slit my right eye to question her expression.

Ivey being Ivey ...

She looked back at the shore and gaze back at me again. Pouting her soft lips as if something she likes is about to happen.

"Why is that?" takang tanong ko kay Ivey.

She covered her mouth and bow down. Pigil ang hagikhik siyang nakatingin sa akin na siyang lalong nagpataas pa ng aking magkabilang kilay.

She was like a kid giggling for a couple who's kissing in front of her.

"Anak, ano ba —"

"Poresa..."

So that was it. It was the reason why she's acting suspiciously.  It was because of Samuel.

Ang gusot kong mukha ay mabilis kong inayos bago bumaling at tumingin sa kanya. When I turned my back to face him, I saw that he was alone. He's not with the woman he was with earlier.

I moistened my lips before looking at him questioningly. He just looked at me and back to Ivey. He was doing it for about three minutes before settling his eyes on me finally.

I saw it. Kita ko sa mata niya ang pagtataka at kuryusidad habang pabalik-balik na nakatingin siya sa amin ng anak ko. He can tell. Alam ko. I know that he can tell that Ivey is my flesh and blood. We have the same face. The same features. Maputi lang ako at ang anak ko ay medyo kayumanggi.

"Hey..." I greeted him.

Nang marinig niya akong batiin siya ay Doon lamang pumirme ang malikot niyang mga mata.

"Are you..." panimula niya bago mabagal na lumunok.

I can see in his eyes the urge to ask. To find out about something.

Tumabi ako at kinuha si Ivey bago umupo sa kawayang upuan at ikalong siya. Ikiniling ko ang ulo ko senyalis na ituloy niya ang itatanong niya.

He cleared his throat. And looked at my left hand.

"Are you... M-married?" he asked me that.

My breathing hitched. And after a while, I heard my heart banging on my chest loudly. I felt the blood on my face drained out because of his sudden question.

It was my turn to swallow hardly. Parang biglang may bikig na bumara sa aking lalamunan sanhi kung bakit pakiramdam ko ay bigla iyong natuyo nang marinig ko ang tanong ni Samuel.

Tinitigan ko siya. He was waiting for my answer. The anticipation was visible in his eyes. They were hoping. The movement of his throat going back and forth confirmed it all. I couldn't help myself but to feel nervous and scared. Kaba dahil sa tanong niya at takot sa susunod na maaaring itatanong niya kapag sinagot ko siya.

But to give him what he wants, I should tell him. Besides, the answer lies with the two. It's yes, or it's a no.

Tumingin ako sa kanya ng maigi bago ko ibuka ang bibig ko para sagutin ang naging tanong niya.

"No," I dropped it. Lakas ang loob na sagot ko.

The moment I answered his question, mas lalo lamang naging klaro sa akin ang pagtataka sa kanyang mukha. I got it right. My hunch was right.

But that was the truth. I'm not married. And I don't think I have plan on getting married yet.

Marahil ay hindi niya kayang pigilan ang magtanong pa dahil sa naging sagot ko. His eyes were seems to be uneasy. I know that there was an itch that he wanted to scratch so bad. A question he wanted to ask once and for all.

Hindi nga ako nagkamali nang muling bumuka ang bibig niya para magtanong sa akin. But what came out from his mouth made me stilled an instant.

"Ang bata... Anak mo sa tatay mo, tama ba ako, Poresa?" my mouth fell open hearing what he just said. 

I thought...

I thought it was the... The other way around...

Just how... H-how did he find out? F-from who? W-who exactly is the p-person behind his idea?

I was dumbfounded.

I didn't know.

I wasn't expecting his question to be like that.