blood and dreams

Questions

**TW: in depth discussion of self harm, basically a lot of insight of how self harmers think. please don't read if itll trigger you. this is NOT meant to encourage anyone to self harm!!! also these answers aren't universal experiences they're mostly pulled from my own thoughts and experiences so if you haven't sh'ed these are real answers to learn from***  

Henry's eyes opened slowly. He blinked a few times, his blurry vision returning to normal. Rubbing his eyes, Henry started to pull himself off Ray, who he'd been lying against. 

Ray noticed Henry's eyes were still red. Henry rubbed them. He felt groggy and exhausted from having cried so much. He was sick of feeling this way. Like his life was just  anger and sadness and nothing else.    

After a moment of nothingness Henry began bouncing his leg up and down and darting his eyes around. He looked anxious, or like he was anticipating something. Like he was waiting for something impatiently. Ray could usually tell that when he acted like this it was cause he was having urges. He wanted to distract Henry. 

"What do you wanna do for the rest of the night?" Ray asked, hoping he could strike a conversation to get Henry's mind off it. 

"Oh, uh, I don't know." Henry said, scratching at his wrist absentmindedly. 

Well, that didn't work, Ray thought. He considered taking the opposite route. Maybe Henry needed to talk about it. 

Fuck it. 

"Why do you do it?" Ray blurted out. He regretted it immediately. It wasn't rude per se, but too abrupt. Too direct. 

Henry looked up at him, shocked. He wasn't offended, just surprised Ray would ask that. Usually Ray let Henry come to him, and even then didn't ask things due to his own personal curiosity 

"Uh, a lot of reasons I guess. Why don't we start with something else- You can ask me any questions you want and I'll answer." Henry said. He felt comfortable enough with Ray to tell him all the details. He didn't care what he asked, he wanted to answer. 

"Really? Okay." Ray said. He had to admit to himself, he wanted to know some things. He didn't want to hurt Henry's feelings, but he got the feeling Henry was genuinely ready to be completely open about it. 

"How long have you been, y'know, cutting?" Ray almost winced at the word. Henry didn't have a reaction. 

"Since I was 13. I guess it started slowly, then I started doing it more and more until it became... an addiction I guess." Henry hated that word. Addiction.  

Ray just nodded. He put a hand on Henry's arm . 

"Do you have a lot of scars? Old ones, I mean." Ray asked. 

Henry nodded. He pulled his sleeve all the way up and pointed. Then showed Ray his ankle. And pulled his shirt up to show a single scar across his stomach. 

"I don't remember the story behind most of them anymore. They're all just there. I do remember the one on my stomach hurt really bad though, which is why there's only one." Henry said, smiling a little. 

"What's the worst part? In general." Ray asked. 

"The guilt. Oh God, the guilt is the worst part by far. It was worse when I first started, but it's like. You feel like you've done something really terrible, and nobody can know. But the evidence is permanently attached to you. So anyone could find out at any given moment if they wanted to and knew how. I felt really really bad for a long time. I still feel like that sometimes." Henry admitted. 

Ray gave Henry a hug, then pulled away. Henry continued. 

"Sometimes I feel proud of the scars. I don't want anyone like my family to see, but I don't mind when strangers see. I'll feel proud Ive hurt myself. Mostly on days I feel like I deserve it." 

"You don't deserve it. And I'd rather you be proud of the scars than ashamed. Not cause you deserve to be hurt, but because you're a survivor. You survived your own mind." Ray said, grabbing Henry's hands. 

Henry smiled, and gave Ray a look telling him he could go on. 

"How do you get the stuff you use to do it?" Ray continued. 

"Desperate times call for desperate measures. You get creative. Scissors, knives, anything metal at all. I spent 45 minutes taking apart a razor once. I have one melted to the back of my phone case. Cant get it off. Mechanical pencils can cut through skin if you try hard enough. Paper clips can work if you know what you're doing. I can make a weapon out of anything, on god." Henry said.  

Ray was taken aback at this answer. He didn't know what he expected, but not that. He knew people used blades, but he assumed he bought them at a store or something. It wasn't until now he realized that wasn't always possible. 

"I'm gonna have to child proof the entire man cave" Ray joked. Henry knew he didn't mean it, which is what he liked best about him. He was here to be his friend, and occasionally role model/father figure, but not treat Henry like a little kid. 

"Is there always a reason you do it? Like is it always triggered by something?" Ray asked. 

Henry was quiet for a moment. 

"Honestly, no. Sometimes I just miss it. Nobody has to necessarily do anything to me for me to cut." Henry admitted. 

"Do you... like it?" Ray asked. 

"Yeah. Yeah, I do. I hate it as a concept, I hate what it's turned me into, but I like doing it. Or else I'd stop I guess."  

"Does it hurt?" Ray asked. He knew it was a dumb question, but not only had he never cut himself, he was indestructible. He didn't understand how long pain could last. Henry laughed a little, quietly. 

"Yes and no. Depends where it is, I guess? The sharper the tool, less it hurts. Sometimes it gets numb though and stops hurting. Or like sometimes it doesn't hurt at first but then hurts later. It's weird." Henry explained.   

"Is there anything people do or say that you hate?"  

"The word 'cutter'. I hate that word. I'm not a cutter. I'm a person. That bothers me way more than when people say it's just for attention. I just can't stand the word." 

"It does seem really rude." Ray said. He'd never said that word, now he never would. 

"Have you ever done it somewhere other than your house, or here?" Ray asked. He hoped not. 

"School." Henry said. 

"School?" Ray asked in disbelief. 

"School." 

"Like in the bathroom?" 

"In class." Henry looked proud of this one. 

"How did you pull that off?" Ray asked. 

"Dunno, just did. Sometimes the teachers turn the lights off for stuff, and I sit in the back. Nobody really pays attention, and everyone's half asleep anyways."  

"Woah." Ray said.  

"So, why do you do it. Is there one general answer?" Ray asked. 

"It works. That's the problem. I'd never want anyone else to do it ever. If someone hasntz they shouldn't start. But it's like a reality check almost. If Im really upset it immediately calms me down. It makes me feel so much better and I don't know why. It's not a solution. In the end of makes everything so much worse, makes me feel bad, but it helps in the moment. So I do it." Henry said. 

Ray pulled him into a hug and held him. Without letting go, he said, "Thanks for talking to me about this. You're really brave." 

"I'm not brave, Ray. You're just easy to talk to." Henry said. 

Ray smiled weakly. He felt closer to Henry. He never wanted to let him go. The world had been cruel to Henry. Ray wished he could protect him.