blood and dreams

healed and kinda proud

Henry had been asleep for just over 10 hours straight when he heard a small noise coming from the hallway. It didn't sound like footsteps, it was more like something jostling slightly. He didn't bother to get up just yet. Ray was nowhere to be seen, so Henry figured it was just him, getting ready for the day maybe. The room was dim, so it was easy for him to just close his eyes and drift back to sleep.
After about 30 minutes, Henry was awake again, and this time for good. He sat up and rested his head against the hard headboard uncomfortably. He realized it was a little strange Ray would get up before him, as usually even if he awoke before Henry he'd wait until he was awake to get out of bed. He glanced at the clock. Only nine. Henry's mind wandered. Maybe Ray just woke up really early for some reason and didn't want to stay in bed? Or maybe he had to go answer and emergency call? Henry ran a hand through his messy hair, in an attempt to smooth it. He got out of bed and started to walk around, searching for Ray. Still in his plaid pajama pants and Ray's hoodie, he made his way down to the main room of the man cave. When the sprocket opened he realized it was dark, which was strange. The man cave was never dark. He flicked the light on and walked halfway down the stairs, seeing that nobody was there.
"SURPRISE!" Everyone yelled suddenly, causing Henry to shriek and jump backwards, now on the second step. Jasper, Piper, Ray, and Charlotte jumped up from behind the U shaped couch. They all had smiles on their faces, and their hands were in the air.
"Wh- what's this for? What's going on you guys? It's not even my birthday?" Henry said, utterly confused. He was actually pretty happy that they had done something so extravagant for him, but he couldn't fully process the happiness until he understood what was even going on.
Charlotte walked around the couch and towards Henry slowly.
"Well, it's been a full month since you last self harmed! So, we thought we'd do something for you to let you know how proud we are." She explained.
Henry's cheeks grew a flushed red and he became overwhelmed with embarrassment.
"I- I mean- y- y- you didn't h-" Henry stuttered, trying to make his way back up the steps, but tripping over his own feet a little. 
Henry knew everyone in the room knew, and he was okay with that. He knew they probably discussed him to each other, and he was cool with that too. But this for some reason, struck a nerve. They all knew the exact dates when he hurt himself, and they were proud. If he screwed this up, everyone would know. He'd disappoint them all.
Henry got up the steps and ran back to the room, closing the door and immediately feeling bad. They were doing something nice for him, but he didn't like it. This was his biggest secret, his most emotional thing he'd ever gone through, and they'd turned it into an event. Something they could talk about to him like it was nothing. They were treating it like he passed his math test or something. It was a bigger deal than that. It was more private. And how none of them were able to see that, Henry couldn't understand, but he could envy.
Back in the man cave, all four people looked at each other with regret in their eyes. Ray and Jasper both made a move to run after Henry, then stopped.
"You should go." Ray said. "You're his best friend."
Jasper just nodded and ran to the room, not bothering to point out that lately it had felt more like Ray was Henry's best friend. He knew Henry was going through a lot. There was no need to make him or Ray feel bad by pointing this out. 
Henry was sitting on the bed, not full blown crying but with only one or two tears dripping down his face. He felt so much guilt for having ran out. He felt ungrateful.
Jasper sat down on the bed next to Henry, putting his arm around him. He got a brief sense of deja vu before realizing the time he was remembering was the first night he found out Henry self harmed. They'd both changed a lot since then.
"So this is your room now, huh." Jasper said.
Henry looked around, wiping a tear from his face and sniffling.
"Yup." Henry stated blandly before continuing. "Well, it's technically Ray's, but it feels like both of ours now."
Awkwardness lingered in the air. Then Jasper realized they have no reason to be acting this way. They're best friends. And they should be able to talk about everything.
"I'm sorry if that overstepped your boundaries a little." Jasper said. He truly meant it.
Henry didn't look at him.
"It's okay. You couldn't have known." Henry said.
But of course they could have known. Who would want to be ambushed about such a personal accomplishment? Henry was sure a lot of people would, actually. Just not him.
"We could have been a little more subtle. Or asked you if you wanted to do something. And for that I'm really, genuinely sorry, Hen." Jasper said, hoping there wouldn't be any hard feelings. He'd die if Henry was every seriously angry at him.
"Honestly? It made me a little anxious, and embarrassed. But you were just trying to do something nice. You guys are proud of me, and I should be proud too. It's just that I'm kinda not. But I understand where you guys were coming from. And I appreciate it. I really do. I'm glad you didn't know how I would feel. It'd break me if you understood this feeling."
Henry didn't realize any of what he said was true until he said it talking to Jasper. It was strange when that happened. Like his underlying thoughts only became coherent sentences when he was saying them to Jasper, because he was saying them to Jasper. Henry was suddenly overcome with guilt.
"And I'm sorry that I haven't been talking to you as much. You haven't said anything about it, but I completely ditched you. And you still did this huge thing for me just now. You're a good friend Jasper, and I'm sorry I haven't treated you right." Henry said.
He hadn't realized any of this was true either until now. It was like the realization hit him one second, and the next he was apologizing. Jasper looked at Henry with kind eyes. That was what Henry loved so much about him. He was understanding, and he always saw the best in him.
"Hen, you've been going through so much in the past few months, and I noticed you were being a little distant honestly, but I understood. But I'm not worried about that, cause we're here now. Are you okay?"
"I'm okay if you're okay. Are we good?" Henry asked.
"We're good." Jasper said, pulling Henry into a soft hug that lasted minutes.
When they finally pulled away, they both stood up without saying a word and made their way back downstairs. Henry wasn't showing any signs of having cried anymore, and was smiling. He wasn't embarrassed this time, because Jasper was here.
"Heyyyy guys." Henry said awkwardly as he made his way back into the man cave.
He was met with three concerned faces. Henry and Jasper sat down next to everyone on the couch.
"Are you... okay?" Piper asked.
Henry smiled at her.
"I'm fine, I promise." Henry said, meaning it for the first time in months.
"Well, if you wanna do something else, we should." Charlotte said, sensing Henry's obvious signals that he did not want this celebration.
"Let's all just hang out, it's not like I did anything that great you guys. Let's just imagine it's a normal day- which it IS,- and chill." Henry said.
Jasper gave him a look that told Henry that it WAS in fact a big deal.
Ray was looking at him the same way.
"You're doing great, and we shouldn't forget that. But we don't have to actively acknowledge it if you don't want either." Ray said.
"Alright, perfect then." Henry said, looking around at his friends. He was pretty glad they were here, and he did feel a very small sense of accomplishment in that moment, not that he'd tell anyone that.
The five hung out for the rest of the day, all going about their normal chaos and games, though 4 of them were secretly sharing looks with each other about how secretly proud they were of Henry. Henry caught all the looks, but he didn't mind. It made him feel pressured, sure, but also appreciated. Charlotte had originally had enough common sense to figure Henry might be embarrassed of a party, but of course nobody listened to her. So she'd privately texted him about how proud she was and how much she loved him. Neither had mentioned it in person, but they both shared knowing glances and smiles throughout the day. Henry knew how Piper felt. She'd never say anything sappy to him, but it was their banter being back to normal that reassured him everything was gonna be okay.
Once everyone had left, it was just a Henry and Ray again.
"I wanna tell you something, and I want you to take it really seriously." Ray said all of a sudden.
Henry had a moment of internalized panic before finding the courage to speak.
"O-okay... what is it?" Henry said nervously.
"I love you. And no matter what happens next, I'll be proud." Ray said, looking in Henry's eyes.
Henry was overjoyed yet flustered. These were the words he'd needed to hear for so long. That someone would be proud no matter what, not that they were proud because of some temporary accomplishment.
Ray could tell by the look in Henry's eyes that he deeply appreciated his words. It meant so much to Henry, he couldn't express it in strong enough words.
"I love you too." Was all Henry replied with. These words were enough.
Henry looked down at his now healed, yet permanent scars.
And in that moment, for the first time in years, he felt no need to add more.