blood and dreams

panic attack

After a few moments, Henry felt okay enough to stand up again.
"You sure you got this?" Ray asked as Henry lifted himself off the bed.
"I think so." He replied. He slowly made his way across the room and went to take a shower.
While Henry was gone, Ray sat on the bed by himself and started to think. First about the previous night, then about the situation with Henry's parents. Eventually his thoughts trailed to the conversation they had had the other day. When Henry had answered all his questions.
Quotes from the conversation ran through Ray's mind.
"The guilt. Oh God, the guilt is the worst part by far" Henry had said.
Ray almost winced in memory of the pain in Henry's voice as he said that. He couldn't imagine how bad he'd felt.
Ray knew thinking about this wasn't a good idea. He'd end up upset, and that wouldn't help anyone. He tried to focus on the tv, still playing from the day before, but in less than a minute he gave into his thoughts yet again.
As he couldn't help but think about every aspect of that conversation, he remembered a detail and had a horrifying realization.
"How long have you been, y'know, cutting?"
"Since I was 13."
Ray had hired Henry when he was thirteen.
Suddenly Ray felt like the room was closing in on him. Thoughts whirled around his mind, each one making him hate himself more.
Is it my fault that Henry cuts himself?? Is it because of how much his job affects him?? Is it because of the stress that I put him through by putting himself in such a hard position? All the pain he's gone through, confided in me about, was I the root of it all along? Ray thought, his breathing speeding up.
Ray started to grab and pull at his hair aimlessly, his thoughts out of control. He'd never felt so guilty and truly sorry for anything in his entire life before. He gasped for air and tried to hold back a sob.
I did this to him. It's been me hurting Henry all along. I'm just as bad as his parents. 
Ray was shaking and scratching at his palms now. His breathing was going extremely fast and his teeth were chattering subtly. He wanted to be okay but he felt incredibly distressed. He felt as though he couldn't get enough air no matter how much he tried so he just kept breathing in and out as fast as he could, to the point where he couldnt slow down if he tried.
Ray tried to remember the advice he usually gave Henry when he was having a panic attack. His mind was empty now that it was him, though. His covered his face with his shaky hands and cried. It was unlike Ray to go into a panic like this over a thought. Usually someone else would have to verbally or physically provoke him to get this kind of reaction. But this time was different. This was Henry.
Ray took huge, shaky breaths as his mind took the blame for Henry's suffering.
Then the door opened.
Henry walked in, changed into some of Ray's clothes, hair wet. The second he saw Ray he ran over and sat next to him, wrapping him in a hug. Ray shook and cried as Henry just hugged him, his hair dripping onto Ray's shirt and neck.
"Ray. Ray I'm here for you. It's okay. It's all okay. I promise you." Henry said softly, still holding onto Ray.
Eventually Ray's breathing slowed slightly, and Henry pulled away, placing his hands on Ray's shoulders.
Ray took a deep breath and let out tears silently.
"Do you think you could tell me what's wrong?" Henry asked gently. He seemed calm on the outside, but inside he was panicking just as much as Ray. This was his lifeline, and he was having a panic attack. The person who usually helped him needed help himself, and Henry was just trying his  best to fix it, not knowing exactly what he was doing.
"O-okay.." Ray said between sobs.
"Take a deep breath, and just tell me what's wrong, okay? You're gonna be alright, I promise. I promise. I'm here for you." Henry said. He was trying to react how Ray would've. It seemed to be working. Ray took a breath in.
"I-Is it m-my fault you self harm?" Ray let out, choked up. He took another deep breath, shaking.
Henry squeezed Ray's hands.
"What? Ray, it's not your fault at all. Why would you think that?" Henry said, not condescendingly, but in a gentle, genuine way that reassured Ray a tiny bit.
"You- you said you started at thirteen.... That's when I-" Ray took a huge breath, "-Thats when I hired you. W- when you were thirteen. Putting you in so much danger probably stressed you out a ton, a- and being at work all the time probably made things strained with your family, and I just-"
"Ray." Henry cut him off. "Look at me. Believe me, please, when I say this. Working here is not the reason I started, and it's not the reason I continued either. You gave me a safe space. You gave me a place to get away from my house and you didn't even know it. Fighting crime stressed me out a little, but it was nowhere near the stress that caused me to self harm. If anyone's to blame, it's my parents. Please, Ray, don't do this to yourself. If you're anything, you're my reason to stop." Henry finished.
Ray had calmed a little by the time Henry was done talking.
He believed Henry.
Ray looked up at him and Henry could tell by the look in his eyes he still felt a little bit bad. But he could also tell that he understood. That he believed him. Henry pulled Ray into another hug.
"Thank you. I love you buddy." Ray whispered shakily into Henry's ear.
"I learned from you. Thanks for always being here. I love you too, man." Henry said back, not letting go.