Shadows Whisper | | Azriel

37

Rhys didn't return to the table for a long time, and when he did, his eyes were just the slightest bit red—the only sign that he had cried.

No one mentioned it, but Azriel's stare burning into him was enough to have him speaking directly to his mind.

She'll be okay. She's resting now, this whole thing was just overwhelming.

Azriel didn't look away from Rhys as he opened up his mind so Rhys could hear his response.

Are you okay?

It was a surprising question. Azriel wasn't typically one to start a conversation about feelings. Not to mention the fact that Rhys honestly wasn't entirely sure where he and the shadowsinger stood after he had put that rift between them by trying to keep him from Astryn.

I wish we had found her sooner.

Azriel nodded, the movement hardly noticeable, and then closed his mind again. He left the table without a word and everyone knew where he was going. He didn't even have to knock on the door before Astryn called out for him to come in.

She was in bed, face still wet with tears and plate of food untouched on her nightstand. Shadows curled and swirled around her in an attempt to provide her with comfort.

"Did they tell you I was coming?" he asked quietly, closing the door behind himself.

"No," she mumbled, "I could sense. I don't know how but I just knew."

"Do you want me to leave?" he offered despite how it killed him. He wanted nothing more than to be near her.

"I don't think I can be part of your family," she told him, staring up at the ceiling, "Rhysand said I'm part of the family now but I don't think I can be. I don't think I can love like you all love each other. And I don't know how I'm supposed to be your mate if I can't be part of your family. You should...it might be better if you found a new mate."

"That's not how it works," he said, voice shaking slightly, "and, even if it was, I wouldn't want anyone else."

"Why not? I'm...I'm not good. We aren't even together yet and you already had to kill people for me. And you nearly died because someone came to take me and you got caught in the crossfire and I can't even be in your family even though that should be simple and easy and happy and I'm scared of being free and that's so stupid. Being scared of freedom and love and happiness is so stupid. You deserve better."

"Astryn," he spoke softly, "look at me."

She didn't. She continued staring at the ceiling, eyes so distant and hopeless.

"Look at me," he repeated, and she still refused. "I have killed for far less significant reasons. And I didn't have to kill for you. I did it because I wanted to. I want anyone who hurts you dead, and I want to be the one to kill them. As for nearly dying, the only part of that I'm bothered by is that I didn't save you. I'd give my life for you without hesitation—"

"You don't even know me. I don't even know me," she cut in, and he ignored that.

"And I understand your fears. Trust me, I understand those fears more than you know. It doesn't make me not want this—you. I want you. Every single second from the moment I met you, I've wanted to be at your side constantly."

"I've been nothing but trouble, Azriel. And I was created for evil. I was born to do something terrible. I was never supposed yo have a life, I was only supposed to take life away from someone else—from someone who has a family and love and light and life and kindness. I was brought into existence to just be used for those evil things and now I'm suddenly just free and get to sit down for family dinners with the same person I was supposed to put an end to? It doesn't make sense. He should hate me. You should all hate me. I was supposed to kill him."

"No one would hate you for something you had no say in."

Astryn's finally sat up and looked at him then, watery eyes so full of pain.

"Would you still say that if you hadn't found me when you did? If you had only met me after the goal they had was accomplished and Rhysand was dead? Or would you have thought me guilty and killed me?"

Azriel took in a sharp breath as he felt what he swore was a stab at his chest. He half expected to look out and see the hilt of a dagger protruding from his chest.

"I don't think you would have done it," he said after a few seconds, "I don't think you ever would have killed him. I don't think you're capable of killing anyone. I think if they had sent you here to kill him, you would have confessed everything the moment you were away from them. And I think they knew that too. I think they saw that goodness inside of you and that's why they never sent you here, why they were going to wait and force you to have a child and use the child to kill him instead. They knew you would not kill Rhys. Or anyone."

Astryn opened her mouth as if she was going to try to say differently, but then she paused and let out a soft sigh.

"Do you think that makes me weak?" she asked, quiet and timid and sad.

"Not at all," he assured her, offering as much of a smile as he could manage, "goodness is a strength far too many have lost sight of the value of."

Azriel decided against adding on that he would personally protect that goodness and make sure she never had to kill, that he would slaughter any bad that came near her before it had the chance to make any attempts at chipping away at how utterly good she was.