Shadows Whisper | | Azriel

67

Rhys didn't expect to find Astryn sitting on the floor. But there she was—sitting on the floor, staring vacantly at the bed. He sat on the floor near her,  a couple feet between them because he wasn't sure how comfortable she was with him right now.

"Are you okay?" he asked, hesitant and nervous.

"Probably not," she muttered with a frown, "they remind me how...stupid I am."

"You're not stupid," Rhys told her, "not at all."

"I feel like I am. I don't understand any of that. I don't understand what they find funny and it just feels embarrassing and Azriel told me those people lied to me about it being bad to want sex but they way they joke...it makes me feel like it really is bad and he only said otherwise to make me feel better. Why talk about it like that and make it feel so embarrassing if it's not bad?" she rambled, face red with the odd sting of shame to it all.

"They're not joking because it's bad," he assured her gently, pausing to try to find the right words, "it's because...sex isn't bad, there's nothing wrong with enjoying it and having fun with it. It's not that they're joking about, and it's not you they're teasing. They're teasing me because they know it's—as your brother and with who Azriel...and I guess Cassian too now—who they are to me and who you are to me, it's an adjustment to know you're with them in that way. It's something I have to get used to. I have no issue with you with them but...I'm never going to particularly enjoy hearing about the things you do with them. That's what they're joking about. It's not about you, I promise."

"Do you...if it makes you uncomfortable—" she started, only to be cut off.

"No, no, I'm not telling you this to try to get you to stop anything you're doing with them. If...I won't lie and say it's something I'm happy about but Azriel is your mate and that won't ever change and Cassian...honestly I don't know why anyone would ever willingly put up with him but if you want him and he wants you then, do whatever you want. I wouldn't ever ask you to stop doing something that makes you happy," he told her, "though I really do not understand what you see in Cassian. He's a menace."

"He's kind to me," she said softly, a smile briefly gracing her face, "and he treats me like I'm normal."

"He's a good male," he conceded, "even if he enjoys making my life hell on occasion."

"He makes me happy. Not quite in the same way Azriel does but...still. And he has—" she began, but decided against mentioning it as she reminded herself that it was weird for Rhys to hear about.  "He cares about me," she added on instead.

"I'm very glad you didn't say whatever it was you were going to," Rhys muttered, and much to his surprise, Astryn laughed. He smiled, trying to ignore the hint of sadness that tugged at him. "You have the same laugh as our other sister did."

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, a frown settling on her face.

"No, no, it's not...it's nice to finally have some reminder of her that isn't about the end," he explained, "it's nice to be able to think of her smiling and laughing. It has been many years since I've been able to think of her being happy."

"What was she like?" she inquired hesitantly, unsure of whether or not this was something he wanted to talk about. He smiled though, and she felt a slight bit of reassurance.

"She was kind," he started off, eyes a bit watery, "she had my mother's heart. There wasn't an ounce of our father in her soul. She had my mother's kindness, and she was just...good. Like you. Despite all the pain on the world, despite our father being the kind of male he was, she always had that goodness, just like you. And she was so full of love. The world is such a messy, flawed place but she found so many things to love about it. And she loved books. She loved to read. She could sit curled up by the fire reading for days. She was...she was so many things I wished I could be."

"I'm sorry you lost her," Astryn apologized quietly.

"So am I," he muttered, "not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about how I failed her and our mother."

"I don't think you failed anyone," she told him, "it's...whoever did it is responsible. Not you."

"It was supposed to be me," he admitted, and Astryn could feel the pain radiating from him. "I was the one who was supposed to die, not them."

Astryn scooted closer to him and set her hand over his and, despite all of his mental shields, she managed to take away his pain. He looked at her, his breathing ragged as he just stared as if there was something in particular he was looking for. He shook his head, eyes drifting down to her hand over his.

"I don't know how you're you," he mumbled, "if they had done what they did to you to me, I would have become so full of hatred."

"Hating them or the world wouldn't fix anything," she replied, her eyes suddenly so vacant again. "It wouldn't take away what they did to me. I think...wasting all my time on being angry and hating them, being nothing but hateful like they are and never moving beyond that, that would be letting them win, wouldn't it?"

"You're stronger than I am," he said, "I would hate and rage. I'd let them win in that way."

"You wouldn't," she spoke with such certainty, "you have too much love in your heart to ever be as hateful as them. You have reasons to stay good. They had nothing and no one. I don't think any of them ever felt even an ounce of love." She thought of Azriel, the way he looked at her. "I pity them for never knowing the value of love and goodness."