Shadows Whisper | | Azriel

42

Velaris was gorgeous. That was the only way Astryn could think to describe it. It was gorgeous.

She stuck close to Cassian's side and pretended not to notice the curious looks she got as they walked. She knew she was being recognized as Rhysand's sister, and that being at Cassian's side didn't help make anyone look any less.

They wandered around the city for a while before ending up at Rita's.

Cassian's attention was taken briefly from Astryn. There were people around, asking a few questions. Cassian tried to avoid giving any direct answers, keeping Astryn behind him because he knew this could get overwhelming quickly. Everyone left him alone after not very long, understanding that whatever was going on wouldn't be shared with them. Cassian turned back to where Astryn was, and cursed under his breath when he realized she wasn't there.

It didn't take long to pick her out of the crowd, or for him to spot the bright drink in her hand. He cursed again and hurried to her. In addition to the drink were two empty shot glasses.

"How did you even get that?" Cassian asked, taking the drink right out of her hand.

"Some very lovely people bought them for me! They said it was to welcome me to the city," she informed him, "everyone here is so kind!"

"That—you shouldn't have those drinks, especially not from strangers," he told her, trying to sound calm, "this city is safe but it's still always good to be careful and not take drinks from a stranger."

"But they were nice," she emphasized, "sooooo nice. It would have been rude to say no. Plus people sometimes stop being nice when you don't just say yes so I didn't want to upset anyone and make them want to be mean."

"Astryn..." Cassian trailed off, feeling a little sick at the implication.

"It was like—in the cave thing sometimes they would give me stuff and it was gross stuff but if I didn't just thank them and eat or drink whatever that stuff was they got upset and were mean and they made me do it anyway so I should just say yes, just always, always say yes. Yes keeps everyone happy and happy is good. I—" she rambles only to be cut off.

"Astryn," Cassian repeated, gentle but stern, "let's get you home."

"That house isn't home," she mumbled, suddenly losing the energy she had, "it's not. If Azriel wasn't there, I wouldn't stay."

"Let's just...come on, we need to go somewhere quieter," he said already guiding her out.

"I like...don't tell Azriel about the stuff about saying yes. I think it would make him sad. I don't want him to ever be sad," she muttered, leaning against Cassian's side, "he should get to be happy all the time. He's so...I don't know. Just don't tell him. It'll make him sad and it'll probably make him want to kill people and I'm not worth killing anyone over so that's just silly."

"You are worth killing for," Cassian told her, and she frowned.

"I don't like killing anyway. It's stupid. It doesn't take away anything that they did. They still did so many bad things to me. And I never even got to see them when they were doing all the bad things. I wouldn't even recognize them if I saw them now 'cause they were just big, stupid blobs. That was rude, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so rude. They just weren't nice to me. Even when I was good and did everything they said and said yes to everything even though I didn't want to and I behaved so well and they were still mean to me but I couldn't be mean back to them 'cause I had to be good. I always had to be good. They'd be so much worse if I wasn't good. Don't tell Azriel."

Cassian couldn't find it in himself to say anything. He guided her into a quiet alleyway, away from prying eyes.

"It makes me sad," she said suddenly, "I want to tell him some of the stuff but I can't because then he'll want to kill people and I don't want that. So I just won't tell him anything. It's like...do you remember how mad he was when he saw how bad my husband beat me? Worse stuff than that happened, so I think that'll mean he'll be even more upset and he'll really, really, really want to kill people."

Cassian vividly remembered how hurt Astryn was when they got to the Autumn Court to rescue her. He didn't let himself wonder what might be worse than that.

"I'm sorry," Cassian muttered because it was all he could think to say.

"Don't be," she dismissed with a shrug, "it's not like you're the one who hit me and touched me and made me drink weird stuff and...you're not the one who did all the bad things. Don't be sorry."

His heart ached at the thought of all that happened to her.

"I wish you were my brother instead of Rhysand," she commented, "I like you better."

"Rhys is...he's a good person," Cassian told her, feeling a stab of guilt at her words, "you should give him a chance. He really wants to be a part of your life. He's good, I promise. He is really good and he loves you."

"He's just...I don't know. It's complicated. It's stupid. But I don't really want him to be my brother. I don't even think he's bad anymore like I did at first and I'm not scared of him—not as scared of him as I was before but I just...I just don't want him to be my brother, I guess. I'd rather you be my brother. You're my favorite person other than Az—but I like you in a different way than I like him. I don't want to kiss you but I think I want to kiss him which is weird 'cause I've never wanted to kiss anyone. Like I've been kissed but not 'cause I wanted to but I want to with him. That's different than how I like you, I guess."

"You're a very chatty drunk," Cassian muttered, and regretted it immediately. She frowned and took a step back from him.

"I can shut up if you want," she offered, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you. I thought we were friends."

"No, no, I didn't mean that. Sorry, I wasn't trying to be mean," he backpedaled as much as he could, and she accepted it easily, "I just worry you're saying things you wouldn't say if you hadn't had those drinks. I don't want you to regret telling me anything."

"I don't think I'll regret it," she admitted, "you're the only friend I've ever had."