Shadows Whisper | | Azriel

46

Azriel couldn't stop thinking about Astryn's hands on his wings. Days had gone by already, and he couldn't stop thinking about it. He didn't let himself share a bed with her again because he knew he wouldn't have it in himself to stop her if she tried again—not when he woke up hard and aching and so desperate at just the memory coming to him in his dreams. He kept his distance from her because he knew he didn't have the strength to tell her no again.

The distance served another purpose too—it gave her a chance to explore, to find someone other than him if she wanted to. Being away from her wasn't easy, but he wanted her to have the chance she deserved to decide what she wanted in life without just settling on him. It was killing him to be away from her though, to wake up alone so desperate for her.

Astryn kept herself busy enough that she only really felt his absence at night. She spent her mornings training with Cassian, her afternoons holed up reading through any history books she could find, and her evenings sneaking off outside and training again by herself. Cassian had warned her against overexerting herself, but all that power in her that she didn't want felt like it quieted a bit when she was up and training. Not to mention, she was proud of the progress she was making with all her training. She hadn't ever been proud of herself before, so it was nice to have something that gave her that feeling.

It was when night hit and she was alone in bed that missing Azriel finally set in as a cold feeling deep in her chest. She didn't know why he was avoiding her and she worried that she had done something wrong. He had been so clearly against her accepting him the last time they spoke that she wondered if maybe he just didn't have the heart to tell her he didn't want her. Maybe he wanted her to reject him so he wouldn't have to tell her he didn't want this. She wished he would just be the one to reject her if that was the case, because she really didn't know how to navigate whatever this was. It was all just confusing to her.

She was growing tired of all of this, of trying to figure out what he wanted when he wouldn't even glance in her direction. The last time they had spoken, he said he wanted her to know what her other options were, to experience the world and then decide whether or not she wanted to accept him. She wondered if she went out and did some exploring tonight, he might actually speak to her tomorrow. Or at least look at her, maybe bother to do little as breathe in her direction. She kind of resented herself for how desperate she was for him to acknowledge her. There was some strain in her chest that got more and more unbearable the longer they went without speaking. She knew it had to be because of the bond, that it wasn't just her being that desperate for scraps from him. That was a slight comfort, but it was still humiliating to want him so badly when he wouldn't even look at her.

She decided that she would try tonight, try to go explore, to see what else—who else there was. Maybe she'd find someone who actually had some interest in her since Azriel didn't seem to anymore. She didn't expect it to feel so lonely when he suddenly vacated the place in her life he had made his own so quickly. She knew it was only because of the bond that she felt like part of her had been hollowed out without him—or that's what she told herself because it felt pathetic to actually just miss him that much. She still had Cassian, it's not like she was completely alone, but the friendship she had with him was different than what she felt for Azriel and she knew he couldn't fill that hollowness inside of her. So maybe someone else could. Maybe a stranger she could meet in that pretty city could fill the space Azriel left wide open.

Rhysand had her closet stocked full of the finest clothes, and she hadn't put anything other than the tunics and leggings to much use, so she decided to finally put one of those pretty dresses to use tonight. She was surprised at the variety she found when she looked through the dresses. There were so many different colors and styles. Rhys had wanted to make sure she had plenty of options since she hadn't ever had the chance to develop her own style before.

She wanted to look pretty tonight, but she honestly wasn't quite sure how to accomplish that. She knew she was still too thin, that anything tight would show how her ribs still stuck out. Anything too loose would hang down and make her look like a box. She didn't know how to dress in a way that she would feel pretty. She hadn't ever felt pretty before.

After some struggle, she settled on a lavender colored gown made of silk. She didn't think she had much of a body to show off, but she hoped the slightly plunging neckline somehow did her some favors. She didn't know what to do with her hair. She hadn't ever learned how to style hair. She found some pins and settled on just doing her best to pin it back neatly so she could show her face. She almost changed again before cursing herself for being so ridiculous about this.

She wished she could just go and be done with all of this silly stress. Almost as soon as the thought crossed her mind, she blinked and was where she wanted to be, in that pretty city with lights and life and happiness.

She didn't know exactly where she should go, but she hoped she might manage to get someone's attention tonight.