Shadows Whisper | | Azriel

49

Astryn couldn't stop crying. She hated herself for it, but she couldn't stop.

Cassian didn't say a word about it, didn't pressure her to talk about anything. He just sat with her curled up against him and his arms around her and let her cry for as long as she needed. The shadows stayed curled against her, so much so that Cassian could hardly even see her through them. They didn't speak either.

It was only after hours in the town house that Astryn finally spoke.

"I thought he might lock me away," she mumbled, sounding so scarily empty. "He was so angry. I thought he would lock me away."

"He would never," Cassian assured her softly, "and, if he ever lost his mind and tried to, I wouldn't allow it. Neither would Rhys, or anyone else."

"I was only...he said he wanted me to experience things, to not pick him until I knew my other options so I went and did it and he was angry. I don't—I was only doing what he told me to do," she said with a sniffle, "I was trying to do what he said but I couldn't even do it. I ended up just leaving. I tried but it was weird and I didn't want to do it."

"Astryn..." he trailed off, confusion hitting him suddenly with the way she talked about the time she spent out. "What was it that you were going to do?"

"I was going to have sex," she informed him, giving a little shrug.

"You were—do you even...I mean, have you ever..." he stammered, finding it hard to figure out what he was trying to ask. "I don't think sex is what Azriel meant when he said he wanted you to explore your other options. You can definitely...if you want that to be part of it, go ahead but it's not entirely what he meant."

"I don't like sex anyway," she replied with a quiet sigh. "I don't know what else he wanted me to explore though. I don't want to explore. I don't know if I him anymore now either, and I don't think he wants me."

"Do you think you might...do you plan to reject him as your mate?" Cassian questioned, clearly nervous.

"No," Astryn dismissed, "I guess not. Maybe he'll reject me instead."

"He would never. He cares about you a lot," he told her, "he wants you to be happy. He is a good male. I know he scared you tonight but he is good."

The shadows hissed lowly at the praise to Azriel, still angry with him for how he had scared Astryn.

"I don't think he's bad," she replied, watching the shadows as they moved against her skin. "It was just—it was scary. He was scary. But I also...it was more scary because I knew that if he decided he wanted to lock me away, I would have let him do it."

No, the shadows whispered, and she swore they almost sounded fearful too, no more cages.

"I would have let him," she repeated, knowing Cassian didn't hear what the shadows had said but responding anyway.

"You're not ever getting locked away again," Cassian told her, "that's not happening. I'd die before I let anyone lock you up again."

She stayed quiet at that, not having it in herself to tell him she didn't think she was worth dying to save. The shadows whispered to her about her worthiness but she ignored them.

"Go back to Azriel," she mumbled to them, "shouldn't you be with him?"

No, they dismissed without hesitation, he's foolish. He made you cry. Foolish male.

"You're such worriers," she commented, and they caressed her skin.

"They seem to like you a lot," Cassian remarked curiously, staring at the way they moved against her. They were different with her than they were with Azriel.

"They're sweet little things," she said softly, "very kind. But they should go back to Azriel. At least a few of them. He's probably a bit uncomfortable with them all gone."

He made you cry, the shadows whispered, he scared you. You're still scared. We all stay until you feel safe.

"I do feel safe," she responded and they stilled against her before going back to their usual swirling and caressing.

Liar.

She sighed, but didn't argue. They were right. She was lying.

She didn't feel safe. She still had a part of her that believed Azriel might show up and take her and lock her somewhere far away and dark and lonely. Even worse, there was a part of her that feared he might punish her in other ways too. Worse ways than just being locked away. What if he decided to beat her? To break her bones? What if he decided to starve her? What if he decided to send her back into that cave and let the people who had her before—no. No, she knew he at least wouldn't do that because that could end with Rhys dead. Maybe he would just kill her so he didn't have to be bonded with someone who wasn't good.

She wanted to be good. She wanted to be good for him—why was she crying again? She didn't want to cry.

"You okay?" Cassian asked softly, his voice heavy with concern.

"I want to be good," she mumbled through her tears, "I always try to be good. I like being good. But he was so angry at me. I don't want him to be angry. It's scary. I just want to be good and I want him to be happy so he won't have to yell."

"You are good," Cassian assured her, "I promise. You're perfect. He knows it too. That's why he was so scared when he thought you were gone. He thought he lost you and he was scared, that's all it was. He wasn't mad at you, Ryn. He was just scared."

She sniffled a bit and blinked at him, the nickname

"I like that," she mumbled, managing a half smile, "Ryn."