The Line Between Love And Hate

Chapter 38: Fear

~Friday, December 23rd~
Adrien and I are sitting in the conference room looking into everyone else. He's the one that suggested we do it together.

"Have you thought about what I asked you?" I look up from my computer. "About what?" "The ball. Us coordinating outfits?" "Oh right. That." "Well?"

"I don't think it's a good idea." "Why not?" "I don't know. Isn't that kind of couple-y?" "And?" "And we're not a couple." "We could be." I laugh and look back at my computer.

"I'm not joking Mari." I look up at him and his face is serious. He's looking at me intently waiting for my response. Oh my god he means this.

I furrow my eyebrows. "What? I- No." I shake my head and he sighs. "Why not?" "We're going completely against what we said this would be. We agreed to be friends. That's it." "And then we agreed to sneak around."

"And that's as far as I'm willing to go." "Why are you so scared to give us a chance?" "I'm not scared." "Yes you are. You're always running from this. You ran in the past and you're running now." "Is that really necessary to mention?"

"Okay- I- that was wrong. But it's true. You're constantly running. Why?" "It's complicated. You wouldn't get it." He leans over and closes our laptops. "Try me."

I roll my eyes and grab my stuff. "Im going to finish this at my desk." He gets up and stands in front of the door. "Mari talk to me." I walk over to him. "I- I just don't want a relationship." His face falls. "At all? Or with me?"

I open my mouth and it falls shut. I shake my head. "Does that really matter?" "Yes of course it does. If you don't want a relationship at all then I can wait until you're ready. But if you don't want one with me, then what are we even doing?"

"We're having fun. Right?" I loop my fingers into his belt loops and pull him into me. He shakes his head and moves away.

"I don't want just fun with you Mari. I like you. I want more than this. I want you. All of you. And if you're not willing to give me that then I can't do this anymore."

He has his eyes set on mine. He's waiting for me to change my mind. But I'm not. I can't. I don't want more out of this. I don't want to allow myself to go back to that obsessed girl. I've worked hard to get rid of her and being with Adrien will bring her back. I can't do that.

No matter how bad I want this, I won't do it. I was broken. I won't let myself break again. I won't let him break me again.

"I- I can't Adrien." He nods. "Okay then." He moves away from the door and I stare at it. "I'm sorry." I hear the seat squeak as he sits on it and the typing of his keyboard. I open the door and walk back to my desk.

Alya's eyes follow me as I sit down. "Everything good?" I look up at her and give her a fake smile. "Of course. Why wouldn't it be?" "I thought you and Adrien were going to work in the conference room?"

"We were." "Then what are you doing out here?" I ignore her question as I set my things on my desk. "Marinette." "What?" I ask annoyed.

She walks over to me and pulls me out of my seat. "Al what the hell are you doing?" "We're going to get lunch and you're going to tell me everything that happened between you two." She pulls me to the parking lot.

"Nothing happened between us." "Come on M. I'm not blind. I can see the way you guys look at each other." We get inside her car. As she drives we past our favorite restaurant.

"Wait. Al. You missed it." She shakes her head. "I texted Tikki saying something came up. We're off for the rest of the day." I turn to look at her. "You have time to tell me everything that happened."

She pulls into her driveway. "Are you crazy?" She looks at me and smiles. "Yep. Now come on." She gets out of the car and starts walking to her door. I follow behind her.

~~

"You're kidding." Alya says as soon as I finish telling her everything. "Nope. I'm serious." I say as I shift on the couch. "And you said no to being in a relationship with him?" I grab her pillow and start to play with it. "Yep."

"Are you an idiot?" "What?" I look up at her. "M this is exactly what you dreamed of." "Yeah. 6 years ago." She shakes her head. "You wouldn't have agreed to sneak around with him if a part of you still didn't want that."

"I- I don't still want that." "Are you lying to me or to yourself?" "I'm not lying." My hand goes up to play with my earring.

"Then why did you agree?" "I just felt like I owed it to the old me." "That's not true. The new you wanted it just as much as the old one."

"Alya stop." "No you stop. Stop lying to yourself M. Admit it. You were scared." I sigh. "Okay yes I'm scared. I can't open up another opportunity for me to get hurt again."

"You're going to get hurt regardless. It's inevitable. But do you want to get hurt because you tried or because you let him slip away again?"

"I- you just don't get it. I worked so hard to get rid of the old me. I let him hurt me a countless amount of times." "And you're not her anymore. That won't happen." "How can you be so sure?" "Because I knew the old you and I know the new you."

I sigh and lean back into her couch. "The old you didn't take any risks. What about the new you? Is she going to go to Adrien and tell her how she feels? Or is she going to run again?"

"Alya." "You can't let fear stop you from what you really want. You want Adrien. I know it and so do you. Let it happen M. Don't make the same mistake twice."

I sigh and stand up. "I have to finish his suit. Can you drive me home?" Alya runs a hand through her hair in defeat. "Okay."