It Was a Yes, But I Never Said It

21. Somethings Are Better Unsaid

I have grown up seeing my father not respecting my mother. He used to make a host of mistakes which used to pose a bad financial impact on his life and our lives. Post that he used to blame all that on my mom. With all that he used to say, I have seen my mother being mentally tortured for years. He used to create massive scenes at home as if we are responsible for all the trouble that he has caused to himself and us. He would fight with my mother, shout at her, used to call her things and sometimes even beat her.

When I was in high school, my father lost all his money in gamble. He used to shout at mom as if everything happened because of her. When my mom refused to sign on the property papers which he wants to sell or refuse to give him her jewellery so that he can pay off his debts, a whole new drama will happen every other second until he gets what he was asking for. Even after getting all this, he couldn't get over his habit of gambling, borrowing money, being short tempered, using abusive language and not respecting women.

I am not saying that my father is a bad person because in addition to the above he has given us loads and loads of good memories but I guess he failed as a husband.

While I was witnessing all this, I promised myself that I will never become my mom. I will never let any guy enter my life and treat me like shit. Use me when needed and hit me like a punching bag to vent out his anger.

I would never let a man enter my life who can't own up his own mistakes. A man who doesn't respect women and thinks that men are always superior to women. A man who is impatient and can be easily influenced by others. A man who lie and hide things. A man who thinks that everyone apart from his family is right and will advice in his best interests. In short, I won't let a guy step into my life.

And this is why I never had the guts to say yes to the guy who claimed to have liked me since 8 years even when we weren't talking. Sometimes I feel he is just like my father.

He lied extensively in college. Somewhere from his talks back then I felt that he doesn't even respect women. Calling a girl characterless just because currently you aren't on good terms with her is not something I would appreciate. To him, the opinion of others mattered a lot. How someone thinks about him used to effect him deeply and hence used to get easily influenced by others.

Even after knowing all this, I gave us a chance. On the day of my one month proposal when he texted that "Adira you are the only person in front of whom I have embarrassed myself time and again", I felt it. The interaction we had years ago flashed in my memory... In college when he said for the first time that he liked me, I stopped talking to him. I was doing my best to ignore him and avoid any confrontation with him so that I can help him as a friend to move on from the emotions that he had been having for me. But no matter how hard we try, there are certain things that we have to face anyhow.

After finishing my exam, I was heading towards home but the day had different plans. There came Rihan with a saddened face. I had never seen him this upset ever. His eyes were saying a lot of things, had a lot of questions in them but I didn't have the courage to read them. We were standing under a tree with the sun shining bright over our head. He broke the silence and asked why are you avoiding me. The entire class is making a fun of me right now for running after you. Why are you doing this Adira?

That day he was feeling embarrassed but I was feeling helpless that I couldn't do anything for him.

This time when he texted that he has embarrassed himself once again, I felt bad once again. Though I didn't have any feelings for him but there is a strange connection and I dont want him to feel embarrassed ever again. I mustered all the courage, sidelined all inner voices and asked him if he would like to date me for a month. I thought it's just a month and it will be over soon.

I did the one thing that I now regret irrespective of the fact that I cherish each and every moment I spent with him in that one month. I got to know him again. (I hope this time nothing was a lie).

He is sweet, caring, talkative, innocent sometimes and adorable. He makes me feel special. He is expressive and doesn't shy away from sharing his feelings.

But at the same time he is money minded, impatient, gets easily influenced by others, never owns his mistakes and always blame it on someone or the other. He is mostly serious and not at all humorous. Lands in a mess every now and then and never learn from his mistakes. Hates celebrating special days like mothers day, fathers day, valentines day etc even though it could bring a smile on the faces of his loved ones. He is not a big fan of junk food. Likes Indian attire more than other outfits. Have a strong taste for jazzy things.

But still talking to him feels special. Sharing the nitty gritties of my day with him was fun. Listening to his stories about his work, travel, family has always been entertaining. Gosh I think I had fallen for him. Even after knowing that he is kind of similar to my father and is not my type.