It Was a Yes, But I Never Said It

20. Unsaid (Confronting My Feelings)

It has been sometime now that we are being friends. I got this thought today,

"Do I regret my one month proposal?"

May be yes but what about those sweet memories that I have built with Rihan. He waking up at 2am everyday. The talks that we used to have for hours about anything or everything. The endless texts that we used to exchange. Exaggerated hahahahahaha that he used to send on my silly jokes. Him calling me kiddo (though I didn't like it). The heart emoticons with which he used to fill our chat feeds. Instant replies that he used to send as if I am the most important person to him. The video call on which I saw him for the first time after years. After all the drama that happened in college, this was the first time I was looking at that handsome face with happiness in my heart and not hatred or disgust. He was there on the other side of the screen unable to look up into the screen, feeling all shy. My heart was filled with cheer, face with a smile and my eyes were shimmering on seeing him on my screen. How could a person look this handsome at 4am is all the chit chat that my brain, heart and eyes were having amongst themselves. I never thought that I would say this but his short hair, trimmed beard, small stone in the left ear and clean muscular arms were making him look like nothing less than a Greek God. It felt like this call should never end. Though he looked all shy on call or may be it's the poor background that I was sitting in, which wasn't letting him look me into the eyes or even in the screen, but he was sitting there all calm without making me feel that the fact that I am poor is bothering him at all. I felt like hugging him and giving him a peck on his cheek for not making me feel odd.

May be I don't regret it..

but what about the depressed manic bitch like which I am acting right now. An idiot who doesn't have control over her thoughts because all seems to belong to him now. The overflow of emotions which fall in the form of water from my eyes every now and then. The heart who has started aching rather than beating. The sweet memories with which I am stuck.

I never thought that one day all my ideologies will fail and I would be having a hard time gathering myself. My mind would be busy thinking about someone, my eyes would be shedding tears, my heart aching as if it has been wrapped way too tightly into something  due to which it is suffocated and would stop beating any minute now.

Blocking the person on all communication channels has always been my deal. It used to make the concept of letting go easier. But in this case letting go is just not happening. Everyday I shed tears and sleep with the thought that today Rihan's chapter is over. He will go his way, and I will go mine. Our paths will never cross. That's the end.

But why is my brain not listening to me. Why do I wake up every day thinking about him? Why my entire day is filled with his thoughts? Why do I feel like talking to him, calling him, texting him? Why do I miss his texts and calls? Why do I check my phone every other minute with a hope of getting a text from him? Why do I think that it's his call, everytime my phone rings?

Why do I feel like blocking his number and contact on all communication mediums in a hope to get over him but still couldn't do it. The last time I made him block me, he spent one and a half day playing block Adira, unblock Adira; sent a voice note with his melodious singing where he was unable to complete the song as he started crying; sent a three and a half screen long text filled with emotions which almost shattered my heart; typed I love you for the first time; cried heavily on the call when we started talking again.

Was I having a good time being blocked? Only if, lying sad on a couch qualifies as having a good time. I hardly spoke any word to anyone for one and a half day. Yeah fellas! Even I wonder how could I stay quiet for that long. Crying had become my favourite passtime. My brain couldn't get over the thought that if I am feeling this bad, how bad Rihan must be feeling.

So, do I have the guts to block him? No.

But if  blocking is not the answer then what is?

I can't say to him that I am interested in you. But with each passing day, it is becoming more and more difficult to accept the idea that I am not interested in Rihan.

Only if my situation is different, I would have said yes to you Rihan..