It Was a Yes, But I Never Said It

18. Would You Like to be Friends?

We kept talking with each other for a couple of days. He suggested that we continue the deal for one more month but I knew that my circumstances and reality wouldn't allow me to say yes even post a month. I don't have the courage to ruin his future by letting myself happen to him.

I used to always ask him over call, where are we heading. But one of us had an answer. I think he has an answer but it's me who needs to find one. I am giving him false hope and it's very wrong. So one evening I wrote the below text and by gathering all the courage that could have existed on thsi planet, I sent him. I don't want this but this is for the best. I was just hoping that he don't detect the true feelings that I have for him through this text.

~
"It took me immense courage to write this so please read patiently.. (I could have said on call but with you being so nice it would have required more courage n I didnt get a chance even.. yesterday was your one day weekend n today is ur fast n talking abt this in ur early mornings is also not a good idea) so here I am.. n trust me I wrote this down after a lot of thought..
I asked you what are we doing but recently I realised that I should be asking this to myself. N now I finally have the answer. We are getting ourselves into a momentary happiness trap, coming out of which will only lead to sadness and you know that the goal of my life is to be happy. We are getting accustomed to one another and habits once made are hard to forego. Therefore we need to end this. It wouldnt be very nice initially but in a couple of days it would be fine. But if we stretch it anymore, ending it would become more difficult. I thought one month will help sort things out but I was wrong. I thought that seeing my background on video call, you will find that I am not rich and would eventually loose interest but even that is not happening I guess. U dont have an issue with my champi hair lol. U literally dont have issue with anything. U wake up at 1-2-3am, do multitasking on watsapp during ur work hours, bear my 1 month.. no text after 9.. kind of thoughts, share videos throughout the day (I have travelled a lot of canada through ur texts by now), never fail to keep a check on my breakfst lunch dinner even though I eat 24×7, text me even when i dont, tel me santa banta jokes no matter what the situation is. N strangely u r fine with all this..

You asked me if I thought about u when we didnt talk for 3 days.. the ans was yes, my thoughts were full of u (not a good thing I know).. I was sad but my mood changed when we talked again :) Sounds strange, i know.. even I am trying to digest that.. U said u have fever and then ghosted me for a day and my thoughts went on a roller coster ride but then u texted which is good..  n this is why we need to stop this asap before we hurt ourselves more. The reason I am telling you all this is because i want u to know that there wasnt any lack in the efforts that u have put in so far. You are 10/10.
But this will not work due to the reasons I have already told u over the call the other day.. So now its time that we step back before we mess up the situation anymore. But since u r a nice guy and I am a nice girl, would u like to stay friends? And we will keep what all u said in history and wont bring that up ever again.

To this I know you will say its okay Adira and I will then say thank you for understanding."

~

He was in his office. I felt very bad for sending him this text right now. But he seemed to be in a good mood and I thought he will be able to receive it well if he is happy. Sad text in a sad mood could worsen the situation.

He texted that "we can't force anyone to have feelings" and he accepted my friendship.

I was sad and happy. Sad because I couldn't tell him my real feelings and happy because he will stay now. Even though he is staying as a friend, I am happy with the fact that he is staying and his presence is all that matters to me, more than anything.

I ensured to limit my interactions with him as I want to help him move on. And I know if I keep on bothering him with my texts and calls, he will only feel hurt and pain. And I don't want this for him. I want him to be happy only.

I answer his calls and texts and it's the best time of the day or week or month when he texts. Because rest of the time I am anyway spending by crying over him and recalling the good time we shared together.

One evening, he even mentioned that his mother is after him to talk to a marriage prospect. The girl belongs to a well off family. They are politicians and are filthy rich. He shared pretty face over whatsapp and mentioned that it's the one he is referring to. She is into modeling and is also studying to clear the IAS exam. She will clear the attempt this time. Everything about this prospect is just perfect.

I was listening while he was telling all this. I pretended to be happy and even suggested him to talk to the girl and explore their chances.

I think by now I have become really great at pretending. I have mattered the art of hiding my emotions so well that I know that I will be terrible if I the person listens to what I am suggesting.

He also shared his marriage biodata that his family has created and is rolling through their circle.

He deserves the best and his family will ensure that he gets it. It's just that I need to step out of his life. I know it won't be easy but I will try my best.

A couple of days later, he told me that he talked to her but it didn't work out as she expects him to settle down in India along with her family. And he said that he is not that type of a guy.

"I think I know that by now" I said to myself. But told him "It's okay. She is not wrong, neither are you. It's just that you two have different expectations. But he should not stop searching. He will find the right one soon".

I know it's mean but I am happy that they didn't click. And I hate Rihan for even talking to that girl. I mean really? Just a couple of days ago he was saying that he loves me and just a couple of days later he is talking to that pretty face exploring love prospects.

All men are the same. I have known this but still I get moved by their flirting. Ergh... Why on earth did I fall for this guy and why am I unable to move on now?