It Was a Yes, But I Never Said It

14. The "Conversation"

Neither Rihan nor me have thought while waking up today that today is the day when past is going to unfold itself.

It was his morning and my evening and we were talking about usual stuff. And the conversation led us to the question, "why after so many years I gave him a chance".

It was a righteous question from his end but do I have the right words to sum up the emotions that led me do this? Erghh.. I doubt.

But there I was standing dumb with my phone held close to my ears.

"U there?" I heard him calling.

All I could mutter was "yes, I am".

He continued, "I was thinking that this one month is passing by and would soon come to an end and when will I ask you this. Today finally I got a chance."

At the back of my head there was this visual running in loop wherein Rihan and I was standing under a tree years ago. He was sad, very sad. It was the first time we met after he confessed his feelings for me in college. I wasn't able to do anything that day to wipe off that sadness off his face.

I felt the same way after so many years. And there I was asking him out for a month.

Plus, I don't want my past to knock back ever, never ever. I felt like if I keep running from it, it will keep chasing. What if there is any truth in his feelings and what if destiny brings us to a point wherein we are standig facing one another. Nooo... I can't let that happen. Even the thought is terrifying.

Instead of running away from this, I thought it's better to face it and it will just be a one month thing. This way he will be satisfied that we had a connect and I will also be satisfied that we will never have a connect and destiny will also know that there is no role for her to play in our case. Just a month and this fear of mine will be adressed.

Also, since he is miles apart, in a different country altogether, it will just be a phone connect, that too only for a month.

And that's how dear Rihan I asked you to date me for a month.. but this is too much information for you to know.

I finally replied, "You have been asking for long and that day something moved me and I asked you out."

"Hmm" was what I heard.

But I guess this wasn't everything that he planned on asking today. There was more and I didnt see it coming.

He continued, "I also wanted to talk about what happened back in college. And I am glad that you gave me chance as I wanted to tell this to you for so long. I thought of meeting you near your workplace so that we could talk and clear the misunderstandings. I even thought of asking someone what route you take to reach home from office and may be meeting you there. But I thought of just keeping these as thoughts as I wasn't sure how it will seem and what you will think about me. But I am glad that we are talking now.

You remember that day when you were standing outside the masters class hall and shouting, "Rihan you are a lier". I was watching you from the exhibition hall and not only me a lot of other mates were watching too. Since that moment they made fun of me everytime they saw me by calling, "Lier, Rihan you are a lier".

This followed me to the hostel. They used to shout out loud "Rihan you are a lier" mimicking you while we used to have food in hostel mess. Bearing that became so difficult that I stopped going to mess for two-three months. During that time, every night I used to sit alone at terrace and drink. I used to think what have I done wrong to get all this.

Then, after a few days I thought that all my reputation has already been ruined. Everyone thinks that I am a jerk, then why not be one. And hence I started doing all wrong things.

I also started avoiding passing by you for more than an year. If I see you coming, I would change my route. I couldn't even see you. It's later in third year, that I stopped bothering and felt a little free."

Hearing all this broke my heart. It all sounded so traumatizing. College life is supposed to be fun for all but I ruined it for him. Only if, I wouldn't have said those words that day, he wouldn't have to face all this. I used to feel glad that he didn't show up that day till now but today I felt blessed that he didn't show up that day.

I was so angry back then, god knows what I would have done which I would have regretted for the rest of our lives.

I now think that I should have stayed quiet and wouldn't have insulted him like that over call. May be it would have saved him so much trouble.

A part of me was saying that he is making me the reason for all the wrong things he did, but he had a choice. A choice to make in between good or bad. He could have chosen to be the good guy that he is claiming he was and could have proved everyone wrong. But instead he chose to be the bad guy and stayed like that for 3 years and later. I was wondering how can a person be someone that he is not for that long. Also, no reason is strong enough to use as an excuse to justify one's wrong actions. But I ignored this inner voice today.

Though my outburst was a reaction of his actions but saying him those words without realising the space I was in and the effect those words will have on his life was wrong. And I should have dealt with this more maturely. I was at fault and nothing could change that.

And hearing him in tears right now made me feel even worse.

All I could say to him right now is sorry. I couldn't change what happened back then but I feel bad that it happened.

He was saying that he knows that a lot of things were said to me by my girl friends but he doesn't know what has been said. And he would like to know what happened.

All I said is "past is past and when it's not good, there is no point in revisiting it."

I really didn't wish to relive those bad memories by discussing them. What good will I get now by making him own up all the lies he said back then. Knowing the person he is, he won't own up any. For half of the things he would say, he don't recall and for the rest he would deny that anything of that sort happened. And it will definitely lead to new arguments and there is no good is adding more drama from the drama that happened in past.

No matter what I faced, what lies he said that led me to my outburst that day. My outburst that caused a human being so much trouble was wrong and I am at fault here for which I felt sorry from the bottom of my heart.