It Was a Yes, But I Never Said It

39. Ending

It has been couple of days since I blocked him but not even a single day passed when I didn't think about him. Upon reflection, I think may be I over reacted. May be what he said about having respect for Ashk was actually in good faith and may be it was a genuine praise. Plus, he is a human and has his own individuality. I should not control what he think. And I need to be less judgemental.

Yeah, even I think that all this is coming from the fact that I still might have some feelings for him. I was actually missing him a lot yesterday. Yeah I cried again. Duh! Nothing new.

But in addition to the above, I unblocked him today. I guess, his presence in my life is way more valuable to me than anything.

6 June is coming. The day I asked him for the one month proposal last year. In just five days, it would be a year.

I feel odd, embarrassed, stupid and strange for asking him that. And the truth is that's the base of our friendship. And it's not good. I haven't seen him in years and the truth is he is more of an online connect than an old friend and it doesn't feel right.

It's wrong that day in and day out, I picture myself with him. It's wrong that I dreamt of our wedding. It's wrong that I dreamt of him kissing me on the lips, on the neck and where not. It's wrong that I dreamt of us making out. It's wrong that I dreamt zillion times of us meeting one day. And it's wrong that I dreamt of my reactions of seeing him in person. It's wrong that I dreamt of touching him, going out on dates with him, building memories with him. It's wrong that I dreamt of him being the reason of my smiles and me being reason of his. It's wrong that I dreamt of us living together like a family. It's wrong that I dreamt of him visiting my family. It's highly wrong that I am dreaming all this and that too with him in every frame. It's way too wrong. And it needs to stop now.

I unblocked him again today. But no, this has to stop as well. And now is the time. I used to wonder if he had discovered that I blocked him. What if he tries to reach out to me. But I forgot that I dumped him. And he is a mature and grown up man as he portrays himself to be. And one year is enough. Enough for a guy to move on. Move on from a girl who dumped him. Yes, I dumped him and I need to accept that.

So, here, I am blocking you forever. Cheers to the memory that this online connect gave me and a goodbye to all those memories and this online connect. I won't gather anymore courage or strength to pretend anything to this online connect. I used to say that the world is small but now I believe that the world is very big and wide.

Goodbye forever!