It Was a Yes, But I Never Said It

16. It Came to an End

He didn't have lunch the night we talked about past, that is, yesterday. I failed as a girlfriend. I should have texted to check if he is okay that night and if he had food.

But, what can be done now. By the way, today I had plans with my sister to go out for a movie. Though I can't do anything to change the past but I can do something now to lighten his mood. Since he is miles apart, I thought how about sending him a picture of mine! Also, he was lately asking me to share a picture of me in an Indian attire as he loves Indian attire, so I thought of wearing his favourite Indian attire for the movie today. I know Indian wear and me don't bond well but may be it will make him feel special. What else can I do sitting here in India.

So, I did as planned. I clicked so many pictures today that it was hard to shortlist one. I feel self obsessed with my pictures right now, but thankfully I was able to shortlist three and I sent them his way with an accompanying text that read, "I wore Indian wear today as an apology for what happened in the past".

A few minutes later, I regretted doing this as the gesture wasn't much appreciated. Though he praised that I am looking nice but he also texted, "Please, don't do all this".

Ah! I think I overstepped and acted kiddish again. But what's done is done. My sister and I had to miss the movie show and had to wait for one hour fifteen minutes for another show to start just because I was getting ready for this mister who didn't even like the gesture. What a waste of effort! But I was looking good today and selfies turned out pretty good ;)

And it is to mention that yesterday over call, I guess I think he said I love you but I am not sure. Because I think it was my imagination or assumption or may be I was just dreaming. Wooh! What kind of thoughts am I having.

A week back, I was finding rather daily calls too much to handle that I was wondering when this one month will be over. And it's not about Rihan but the enormous interaction I was having with technology. But now with just thirteen days left, I am feeling uneasy.

I wish this to last longer or may be forever. But I can't say this to him. I have my reasons.

He texted an emoji with a lot of gifts with the caption sending your way. I thought he is joking and hence payed along. But next day, he said over call that your gifts have arrived. There's some guy who was travelling to India and has sent some gifts for me.

Is he kidding me? Is it the reason why he had been asking lately about what I like? If I still like watches etc. Is he nuts. It's just a one month deal. It will be over within thirteen days. How on earth did he think that I will accept any of this. This is stretching too much now. If I think maturely like him then he is either trying to pay me for this one month through this or trying to buy me for me days. Either way, both the thoughts were ridiculous. I have humiliated myself enough and I wouldn't humiliate myself further by paying heed to any of these thoughts. I will act immature as he always that I am a kiddo and will think that his intentions are nice.

But whatever it is, I can't accept it and I am also angry. Why did he waste his money. God only knows what keeps on running in this guy's head.

The other day he is asking me which floor I like, ground floor or top floor. What's cooking in his head. I thought that he once mentioned that he wants to buy a house in Canada. May be his dream is coming true. And he needs suggestions on which floor should he go for. But it's not my place to say. It's his dream house and he should make a choice. So, I laughed off the conversation and said he is out of his mind to shift topic.

I lied to him today. I went out for a movie with my sisters and mumma today and came back by the evening. It's a Sunday and I mentioned it to him before leaving on our forty five minute call. Apparently he has been waiting for my call all day as per his text. It seemed like the morning call wasn't sufficient. So, I called in the evening but I had to hang up abruptly in twenty minutes. I just had a massive five with my dad. Whenever my mother steps out of house with us to have fun, there's always a drama that happens at home. And this is one of it. I couldn't take it and I had a way too heated argument with my father.

I am all angry and crying here. But there he was in a Sunday mood looking forward for us to connect. I lied to him that I had to cut the call as my sister came in with some work. I can't drag him into our family drama by telling him about this nor I can show him my devasted state and shower my angry mood on him. Because right now, I hate all men. So, I lied. I could read the sadness in his reply, his disappointment that he had been waiting for me since morning and here I am not prioritizing him. But I am sorry Rihan, my situation is a bit odd over here and I can't tell you anything about it.

Time flew. And I can't believe today is 5 June. Post 12am, we won't be dating anymore. It's the time he will block me. I can't believe that in just a couple of hours we will be out of each other's life. I don't want to loose him but it is what we decided. I have already humiliated myself enough. I feel like hugging him for forever so that he couldn't get out of my hold and stays with me always. Kiddish thought! I know. If by any chance he gets to know these feelings of mine, he will surely think that I am saying this because he is in a foreign country and is doing well. There are high chances that he might think that he is my ticket to Canada and may be after some months, he will also say that this was all planned. This reminds me of the plan. "Adira darling, the plan was to date him for a month so that he can move on and you two have nothing to do with each other." I told myself. I forgot to take into account the feelings. I actually thought that it will be just a month of chit chat. Hence the T&C no expectations, no demands. Which also meant no feelings, no emotions. Why everything is so messed up now.

He called up in my afternoon before leaving for work as usual. Since this is our last call, I didn't wish to miss it for anything. I went to the terrace to attend the call as none of the rooms in the house was free. The sun was smiling quite brightly over my head and sweaty white crystals were visible all over my face and body but this guy on the other end of the call is way important than everything.

Rihan doesn't like me mentioning that it's a one month thing and only these many days are left. So, I never mentioned it to him till now. Today I wanted to mention it. I wanted to bid bye nicely. In this one month, he has carved a very special place for himself in my heart. I can't tell him that but atleast I could tell him that I really enjoyed his company. I didn't say it directly that today is the last time we are talking as he don't like it but I did try to hint him but mentioning "there won't be a call tomorrow" but he dismissed the topic. I hung up as always as soon as it was time for him to leave for work.

I guess we won't be bidding goodbyes verbally. It's better too because I am not very good in handling these kind of situations and the type who can do serious or heavy talks. It's nice that our last call was good.

I tried to disturb him in the evening but I think he is occupied with work.

It's 11:30pm. I will be gone after thirty minutes and he won't be there all. My eyes are full of tears. Something inside me is broken. I texted him to reply as the clock will soon hit 12 and I will be gone. Nomatter how much it hurts, I need to keep my promise.

I think he was sad too. Though my heart  is full of pain, eyes full of tears, I tried to be funny in my texts. God knows, what all I am typing right now because all I know is that I am not alright right now. It feels like breathing will stop anytime. My heart is saying is constantly warning me that I can't loose him. My brain is saying all facts due to which I can't stay. I hate the situation I am in at present. At 12, I turned off my internet.

He is gone. One month has come to an end. He won't be calling me again. I won't be texting him again. I can't believe this. I am so devastated and this is not what I expected. I did all this to make him happy but I don't think either of us is happy right now. I hate myself and I don't know for how long I will. I kept crying for hours that night. My sister caught me crying and I didn't know what to tell her. I am at my worst right now.