It Was a Yes, But I Never Said It

32. Tears

No matter how hard I try to be happy, to act happy, to seem happy but deep down something inside me is crying badly.

I always believed that life is a vacation. God has sent us on earth to enjoy a holiday. But this seem like a prison now.

I, who have always kept my emotions in check and under control is finding it impossible to handle it. Something inside me is breaking with each passing day.

I am tired of hiding away my feelings from everyone. Crying in washroom has become new normal for me. I am tired of all this. I am tired of Rihan's thoughts. I am tired of the state I am in.

I am devastated and I don't know how to build myself back. I have taught him how to live without me but I failed to teach myself how to live without him. My heart is crying so loudly that even in utter silence I can hear the loud pain of the tears falling endlessly and the soul weeping.

Eight months have passed, March has already lived half of its time. I thought, with time I will make some progress but heart is asking, whom I had been kidding.

We don't talk often now. To be truthful, he calls once in months. Yes, I don't call him but each day I wake up with a hope that may be today I get to hear his voice. May be he will call today and we will get to talk.

A voice constantly reminds me that we broke up and he has moved on but still I wait for his call.

Everyday I check watsapp statuses in a hope to see what's happening in his life. Statuses have become confirmations that he is doing okay. For a couple of weeks now, he has been posting. Posting statuses of parties, hot chicks, alcohol, and he enjoying hookah, liquor and dance with girls.

To be truthful, it's actually just a glass of wine he is holding in one of the recent statuses and a glass of whisky in another. But hold on, since when has he started drinking. Because as far as I remember, he told me he doesn't drink a couple of months ago. Now was that a lie or have things changed now. God knows! But that's not all. It's just a description of what was there in his hands. What's surrounding him is yet to be mentioned. His friends enjoying hookah, hot girls of course. Since he once mentioned that he loves hookah and it's there in the picture, he must have something to do with it. So yeah, my earlier description of the visuals he shared in his statuses was almost similar to what I saw.

But I didn't knew that a show stopper is yet to come!

The next day, I landed on one of his most amazing status update. It was actually a tik tok video that his influencer flat mate Ami has created which he reshared over his watsapp status.

I am glad to the universe that I watched it at the right time because it didn't even survive a couple of hours. Yeah, I think someone might have actually knocked some sense into his rotten head by telling him what kind of cheap stuff he is sharing.

It was a video of a recent party he was a part of. The visuals were of course amazing. A girl dressed up like a hot chick falling all over his married roommate while dancing. And to mention that married roommate has a wife and a daughter in India. Close to them, with a smile pasted on his face was standing our star Rihan with alcohol in one hand and hookah in another, nodding his head to confirm that he will be joining soon.

I couldn't get that visual out of my head.

When have I stooped my standards so low that I fell for this kind of a guy. I wasted so many months crying over a person like him. I wouldn't even say a hi to such kind of a person. No wonder I lost weight, experienced low blood pressure, attained numerous white hair, spent countless days and nights crying for this piece of shit.

This status helped me do what I wasn't able to do. I finally got over this guy. I finally accepted our breakup. Today I felt courageous enough to take the first step towards this reality.

I finally deleted all out chats from whatsapp and instagram. What happened back then is over and gone. It was a one month thing and was done as an effort to avoid facing him. Now it's done. It's time to delete all the memories associated with it in real and in thought. And letting those texts go was a step towards it.