It Was a Yes, But I Never Said It

35. Dear Diary - 8 May 2023

Dear Rihan, 

I know you must be wondering why I am writing this note to you. It has already been 11 months since the day I asked you out and 10 months since we broke up. And I still can't get over you. I went to my dream vacation a week back and those were the only five days wherein I had limited thoughts of you. But I am back to the state wherein your thoughts are flowing in my body instead of blood. I thought with time I will be able to get over you. But I am unable to do so. I saw your not so good whatsapp statuses lately which atleast made me delete all our chat history which was very dear to me and I thought may be with this I will get over you and our memories. But I think I was kidding myself. We didn't connect for a long time post that. You posted statuses like, "don't invest yourself into the wrong people.." and I felt as if you were pointing towards me with the wrong in that status. I was happy that you are able to move on. But then you called last week. 

Two hours 20 mins, yes that was the duration of our call and I wanted that call to never end. I felt like talking to you all day long and that we should never hang up on one another.  I know I have hurt you a lot. I still feel very bad when I get flashes of you crying over the call,  you sharing screenshot of your phone showing how many times you blocked and unblocked me, how much you tried that we don't breakup. I still remember your text that said, "Adira, you talk to me for a month wholeheartedly and I will take care of the rest". You did take care of the rest and made me fall for you. I still want to deny that I don't have any feelings for you but the emotional mess that I have become is a proof that I love you because I can't find any other justification for this state of mine. 

I crave to talk to you but I can't tell you. I love it when you call and wait for your call everyday when you don't call for weeks, but I can't tell you this. I think about you all day long, but you can't know this. Sometimes, I think if I am in such a bad state, what about you . But when I see your whatsapp status where you are enjoying your favourite hookah, with a glass of wine or whiskey and dancing with hot chicks, it feels like you are doing fine. This is what you have been doing since colllege. This is what you enjoy. This is who you are and I would never fit in. There was a time when you said you gave up hookah and drinking but time changes too quickly. I took your words by the face value. LOL. I would have fallen for you even more if you would have kept your promise even after we broke up. I would have questioned myself for having a wrong perception about you, but you always prove my perceptions right.

I also think that you call me when you are feeling bored and have nothing to do. Yes, it breaks my heart to think that I am your past time and it does feel true. I feel so bad that I let you use me like that just because I am unable to handle my feelings for you. Not remembering my birthday, not bothering to ask about the big news I have to share, converting your likes into my likes in the conversations, not replying to my text at times are enough to show that you no longer have any interest in me and all you care about is yourself. "How the girls will react when they will get to know that we are together" were your words while we were dating. I was wondering, "seriously, to this guy, the thought of what the girls will think gives him more pleasure and happiness than the thought of us being together." And see I still feel for you. 

I never believed in love and never wanted to fall a prey to it. And never in my nightmare have I thought that I will feel this emotion for you. Every ounce of my body says that you aren't the right guy to feel for and those very ounces say that I accept you for whatever you are. You aren't perfect and no one is. You are the total opposite of what I would have ever wanted but still I am emotionally stuck at you. And I think this is what love is. They say, love doesn't ask you before happening. It just happens. We cannot control the person we fall for. We are ready to overlook all the not so good stuff when we are in love. That person becomes the center of our universe. When in love, we think about that person all day long. Even a minute with that person feels like festival. And that is what's happening to me. I hope I am getting it all wrong. Because I am not liking this feeling at all.