It Was a Yes, But I Never Said It

34. Emotional Disaster Even After 9 Months

What am I doing? What will I do? What am I supposed to do? I don't have any answers.

I am stuck in this constant loop wherein my inner self just keep on taking one name and keep on building scenarios around him. What has happened between us, what could happen may be, what is happening. I don't know what kind of battle I am having with myself but whatever it is, I am tired of it.

I am tired of being an emotional wreck. I hate loosing control over my emotions. I hate that I lost control over my thoughts, my emotions and myself. I hate myself. I never had any wrong intentions when I asked him out. I was just trying to do good.

It's very rightly said that one should be mindful of the people that they are spending time with. All I feel like doing is erasing all the memories of my college. There was a time when I used to consider those to be the most cherished memories of my life and each and every person that I crossed path with during that time was special. But not now. I am an emotional havoc right now and nothing related to the college interests me now.

Life would have been so much easier if we could trash the memories just like we trash stuff on a daily basis.

Work is the only thing that makes me feel at peace now. Working is my medicine to cure myself from the unwanted thoughts and emotions. I even created a website to start my own design and consultation agency. This could help me stay busy. But for how long. The effect of this work medicine ends by the evening, when my back, body, eyes and head gives up. In unison, they all refuse to stare at the laptop for another minute.

I feel like sharing my state, my dilemma, my feelings with someone but what will I share. I am so confused myself. I like Rihan but I dont like him. I talk to him but he seems so distant. I think about him all day long but I can't tell him this. His actions, lies, talks qualifies him to be a stranger but yet my heart denies it.

It's said that girls have very strong intuition and my intuition says he is not a right guy. He is a lier, a player, a womanizer, a flirt, an alcoholic and what not.

I feel cheap that I am talking to a total stranger and I have feelings for him which I am unable to get over with. I couldn't hate myself more for randomly giving my heart to a guy, a guy I met online.

I can't block him, because I love him. I kind of feel that he is falling into the wrong company doing all wrong things,  including drinking, smoking, clubbing with girls and what not. And may be I am one of those few who are not a bad influence in his life. I could be wrong. But leaving him like this just don't feel right.

I am stuck and I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I have said it a zillion times in the past couple of months and I hate it.

I think I really need some help to get over the state I have fallen into. But who can help me when I am unable to help my own self.