It Was a Yes, But I Never Said It

38. Unsaid Goodbye

Though we have hung up the call but I couldn't get over what he said about respecting Ashk. I decided to post a whatsapp status to share my thoughts on that. Though I couldn't say that on call but I will tell him somehow. Putting heavy content on statuses is not my style but I decided to do it for him. A status which only he can see. I did a lot of online search and finally I found the right words that I needed. 

I posted, "Commitment is making a choice to give up other choices. Kudos to those who seek pride in not making other choices." accompanied with disappointed and rolling eyes emoji. 

Though, it has been more than an hour since we hung up and I thought Rihan must be asleep by now and would see this in his morning but he texted "nice" to the status after a few minutes accompanied with a monkey hiding eyes and laughter emoji.

I didn't feel like replying him. But I found something else. I found that he has also posted a status prior to mine and just 5 minutes after we hung up. The status had a video that said, "To those, whom I feel like poison. Dear, drink that poison and die".

I am shocked and confused at the same time. I was wondering if I said something over the call which made him post this status just 5 minutes after our call. But I couldn't find any clue basis which I can say that this has been posted for me. And if that's not the case, how can this guy become so negative after talking with me. Did the entire call gave him such negative vibes? He has posted these kind of deep and not so positive statuses before as well but what happened in just five minutes that he went on posting this one. We talked for hours and I think the conversation was lively and I really can't understand this status. 

I went on with my day but his status and his thoughts about respecting Ashk were really bothering me and they accompanied me to bed at night. 

I regret not cutting the call on this face. "He has so many options in here. You know anything could happen in a party but that guy is controlling himself and not letting himself loose. Else you think Adira what not can happen." The words keep on playing in my head in a loop and I am thinking, seriously this is his thinking? I am talking to such a guy who possess such leud thoughts. No wonder he was talking about a married man.

How can a guy who have such thoughts can be loyal to anyone.

I think my perception of him is all true. This guy is full of lies and his thinking happens in his pants, not in his head.

I couldn't sleep. In Rihan's case, I have always let my emotions and feelings win over my mind. But I think it's time now to address the unaddressed. I should have hung up the call on his face as soon as he ended the thought of him respecting his friend for not sleeping with other women.

But I didn't and I am unhappy with myself for not doing that. 

For months, I have seen Rihan's statuses full of alcohol, smoke and girls but I ignored them. I didn't wish to leave him alone with all the wrong things like I did in college. I didn't know if I was the reason for him drinking again as I was last time. Though from his talks, I think he has grown enough not to let a girl wound his heart again, but I still I wasn't sure. And don't want him blaming me for all his wrong actions this time.

Plus I know that all his wrong actions are a result of Ami's influence on him. As a friend, I decided to stay because we don't leave our friends in the company of wrong people. I thought may be a good influence could change him. Yeah! I coined myself as the good influence here. But, he stopped calling me while he was enjoying with Ami. But I waited. 

And now, it's clear that Ami is out of his life and he is trying to mend his habits, so as a friend I am very happy for him. Because not in my scariest dream I wanted Rihan to end up like Ami, a thirty five year old self obessesed, divorced womanizer. But now that Ami is off charts, this opens up a window for me to think logically not emotionally. It's hightime that I acknowledge all the flags that I have ignored so far. Rihan lied about remembering my birthday. He lied about being in a different city near Diwali while sharing pictures of him celebrating Diwali in his flat. When we were dating, he mistakenly sent me text which was meant for someone else and the text had the word "Janab". Though he never said that he has reserved this word for me, but does he go around and say "Janab" to every other person. I watched in a movie that a  guy gave one nickname to all her girlfriends to avoid the trouble of remembering so many names. Also, I fell for all the stuff that he said while we were dating and I saw a different version of him when dating month was over which make this obvious that he is a great flirt. He mentioned that he wants to bring me into her life. I knew he was just flirting and he proved it too that he never meant anything that he said by going ahead and talking to marriage prospects that her mother found for him. I know I told him to do so and it does suggest that he is open to others. I have seen his statuses which shared glimpses of his life that comprises liquor, smoke and girls. I have seen his pictures and he is smiling only when there is some girl present in the picture. He is short tempered and always up for a fight. Though he never fought with me and have always been polite but it's said that we should see a person's behaviour with others as well not just us. He is super money-minded. He is self-obsessed. He forgot my birthday. Not only that, he even forgot about asking the big news that I had to share with him when I specifically mentioned that there's some big news that I wanted to share. It was about my promotion but he was so happy on getting a PR for himself that he forgot about me. Over the call, he had a really hard time identifying hookah in his hands in the photo. What else has happened or has been consumed that day that the video doesn't show, I wonder. He also mentioned that he left everything for four months. What does everything comprise of? Are there other things involved as well apart from liquor and hookah. 

Plus, I have cried enough, pitied myself enough and have blamed myself enough for causing him so much trouble with my one month dating idea. 

I know I have offered him to be friends but I really can't talk to a friend during his late nights or say always post midnight after knowing his terms for respecting his friend Ashk. I can't fall for such a guy or have feelings for him. NO. This has to stop right now. 

No more tears, no more crying, no more broken heart. I am over this guy and if not yet, then I will be over with him pretty soon. This guy has to go out of my thoughts and for that we have to go out of each other's life. Leaving all my fears behind and by having faith in God, I am blocking him today from life, from social media accounts, from whatsapp, from phone directory. Not only him, I am doing the same for Ashk because once he used his account to text.

Some experiences are just learning experiences and this one was that. I learnt very well that the  best we can give to someone is our time and we should be very mindful of whom we are giving it to. Never let anyone enter your life just like that. The world is harsh and there is no place for a soft heart here unless you want to hurt yourself. 

Whatever it was, it has ended now. And like I said to him during the start, "Our paths will never cross". I wish him good luck. I hope he has a long and happy life. Whenever I think about him, I will always cherish him as my first love and a good friend. 

I have blocked him. I don't know what the repercussions of it will be but I have faith in God. I trust God that he will take good care of him and me. 

And that's the end. Adira is signing off now.