It Was a Yes, But I Never Said It

25. Fighting with Myself

More than 6 weeks has passed since we last talked. I am again on the verge of breaking down. Tears seem to have found a new abode for themselves in my eyes. It's third time during the day that my eyes are watery thinking about the guy whose thoughts have never left me. No matter how hard I try, whatsoever I pretend, howsoever I console myself, Rihan's thoughts are just not leaving me and I miss him all the time.

I am sitting on the same couch where I texted Rihan on 6 July that the one month is ending today and so is the thing between us. Even though I was texting him trying to live the very little time that was left, I was already missing him. My eyes were all teary and my heart in pain. Bani, my younger sister caught me crying that day and later told everyone in the house that Adira cries when she is alone. Embarassing, speechless, ashamed, lier.. I was all that time. Currently on that same couch I am half smiling remembering Bani's words and half crying because I am missing him again.

I feel like a fool right now. Crying all by myself. If someone caught me crying this time, I would not even have an excuse to offer.

I like living life with no regrets but I never thought asking someone out will become the biggest regret of my life. Rihan was my biggest mistake 9 years back and he is still a huge mistake 9 years later. No matter how, all I want is to get over him. For how long will I feel this way.

In the past weeks, he must be devoting all his time chilling with the tiktok models with whom he has shared his pictures one day while flaunting his 32 teeth and must have been flirting with other girls too. He probably would have found a wife material by now with whom he must be dreaming his life.

Everyday I am trying to accept the fact that whatever we had, it's over. Rihan is not the type of guy I might have dreamt of even for a millisecond. Why moving on is so hard? Why every now and then I miss him, shed tears thinking about him, think about him while listening to romantic songs or watching movies, read our chats over and over again, watch his photos every now and then, why? Why on earth is he owning all my thoughts lately?

While re reading our chats, I just realised that while proposing him to be friends, I almost told him that I have fallen for him. What else would I mean by saying that we are falling in momentary happiness trap. Obviously that I am happy with you. Why would I write in my 2.5 screen long text that I was sad when he ghosted me for couple of days and was thinking about him all the while. Obviously that he should not do that ever again. He matters to me. I wrote an entire paragraph praising him. Why on earth would I do that if I don't have any feelings for him. Why would I write that I have got accustomed to you and you have become my habit.

To all the above, he replied that we cannot force a person to develop feelings for someone.

And here I am battling with all these feelings that I now have for him.

But I think parting our ways was the right call. Though it was hurtful back then and it still hurts but he must be happy now, living his life. I think our breakup was in his best interest and in mine too..

Now, I don't have to talk on call for hours and won't have to worry that someone out there is sacrificing his sleep. Plus he is not my type. He is impulsive, gets manipulated by others easily, is a showoff. Seems like others opinion matters to him a lot. Picks up fight. He has old school thinking. He is serious often. And hence is just not my type. I have always wanted a fun loving guy with a good sense of humor. I have seen the disadvantages of being around a guy like him and have feared this since forever. I wanted someone who is considerate and who cares about my family. People always say that I am complicated and like a hard nut to crack. But deep down, I knew, impressing me is way too simple. A guy would just have to win the hearts of my family and they got me. Impressing them, is impressing me. Knowing the person Rihan is, he would never be able to do this.

And listening to his recent tales, it's very obvious that he is a womanizer. His photos with those tiktok models, love for fashion photography, some talks that he shared about his past female friends all suggests this. I am stupid who is ignoring all this and is unable to get over the feelings I have for him. We girls are so weird. Everything is in front of us. We just don't want to accept it.

He lies. Lieing is like breathing for him. It happens on its own for him. For me being truthful is a priority and god knows why I am draining myself in emotions and overlooking all my priorities for him. With his lies, I find it very hard to trust him, yet I fall for his talks.

No matter what I say or what list I create to justify that we aren't right for each other, my heart just don't understand.

I like him, I miss him and dream of talking to him. It feels like, I have already become his. Whether we will be together or not, it feels like I would still be his forever but I know I would not be able to say this to him ever. My circumstances are a total mess and it's my responsibility to save him from them. He has worked really hard to build a good life for himself. He deserves better than me.