Don't Say You Love Me

Chapter FORTY

Teegan

I don't understand - nor do I like - that it's already the end of the first week of August. When I sit down and think about it, I've been gone from Seattle for a long time. I have gotten so comfortable here that I don't find myself missing my dad or the family that I live with the majority of the year. I miss Kiara, but not as much as I thought I would. I was so set on hating it here this summer that now it feels unreal and like leaving will be way harder than I ever imagined.

Yes, I'm attached to my mom. I'm really attached to her kids. We're formed this bond this summer that I'll never forget. But I will plan video calls with them and visits. They'll grow up knowing I am their sister and that I love them. I'm not afraid to leave and go to college and worry about them.

But I've never even thought about a long distance relationship. I mean, I sort of did with Ansen. When I found out that I had to come to Avila for eight weeks, I thought - briefly - that he would want to stay together and do long distance over the summer. Of course he had other plans for us. Thinking about being in New York in a few weeks and Cohen being here practically kills me.

We've been avoiding talking about it. I mean, I have been for sure. We've been to the drive-in again. We've spend plenty of nights in his bed, making out, having sex, learning new things about each other. This is exactly how new relationships should be, but ours has a specific end date and it's easier not to talk about it. In two weeks, I'll be back on a plane to Seattle. I won't forget my time here this summer, but I have to move on. I'll suggest we keep in touch. I'll tell him we can video chat and visit each other, but I don't know what my life will be like in September. He doesn't know where he'll even be living then. Things are too up in the air to decide any of this right now.

    "Teegan, you know that I..." he lets his voice trail off, but keeps his eyes on me.

We're laying in his bed in the dark, late one Tuesday night.

Once again, I know what he wants to say. He knows I don't want to hear it. This is a terrible place to be in. My heart beats for him in a way I've never realized could actually happen, but I am too stubborn to hear those three words. I love you too, Cohen. That's what I should say.

The look on my face must answer him, because he doesn't say anything else. I wish I could change our outcome, or somehow see the future so I could tell him things will be okay. But instead I just put my head down on his chest and run my hand down his stomach. 

I don't want to break up with Cohen, but I have no idea what he's thinking about this. We should talk, but it will end up with me in tears. So we continue on with our days together and act like we are just a normal couple who aren't going to be ripped apart in the very near future.

*

It's a Monday, one week before my booked flight back to Seattle, when I finally can't take it anymore. Playing pretend has been fine because hanging out with Cohen and having him look at me the way he does is worth it. It is. But now it's all too heavy and to much for me to carry around.

We spend most of the day hanging out with the Josie because she has a cough and couldn't go to daycare. My heart swells as I watch her sit in Cohen's lap while we play board games and then watch her favourite movie, Moana. These kids aren't just attached to me, now. They are going to lose me and Cohen. Cohen is cool hanging out with a sick kid all day and that's how I know he's the best.

At 4P.M. the three of us walk down and pick up Oscar from daycare. When we get back to the house, Oscar holding Cohen's hand the entire walk, I head to the kitchen to start on dinner. I promised Josie mac and cheese and I'm just going to make a lot so mom can eat when she get's home. Once, while I'm waiting for the water to boil, I glance into the living room and see both of the kids tucked into Cohen's lap, some silly cartoon on the TV, and my heart breaks into pieces. I am going to mess up all of their lives in one week, when I get on that plane and leave this place behind. I didn't plan on any of this.