Don't Say You Love Me

Chapter ONE

Teegan

Tomorrow.

It always comes. I mean, if you're lucky. Sometimes I think, Tomorrow will be better. Sometimes it's just, I'm going for a coffee tomorrow. But today? Tomorrow is scary.

Tomorrow I'm leaving Seattle for the entire summer, eight weeks, and going to Avila, a tiny beach down in California. I've gone there every summer for one week in July, since I was eight. Ten years of summer "vacations" in that tiny beach town where everyone knows everyone.

That's where my mother lives, with her husband, Francis, and her two kids. I mean her two other kids. I'm her oldest, but she's only seen me for seven days each year for the past ten years. I've spent exactly seventy days with her, since I was a child.

And tomorrow I'm going there for eight weeks.

*

"You'll be fine," my best friend, Kiara, tells me, blowing on her nails that she just painted a bright pink.

We graduated high school two weeks ago and then tried to cram in a summer of fun in those last two weeks.  We went to the travelling fair and ate cotton candy and rode the ferris wheel. We went mini golfing with some friends. We went shopping and hung out and painted our nails, like we are doing right now.

In three days, she's leaving for her internship in New York for the summer. And tomorrow I'm leaving for my summer in California. In September, we are both going to New York, for college. We live in Seattle so it's pretty much across the country, but we will be together. California feels like it's across the country from Seattle, too, even though it's only a two hour flight.

"Just make some friends and get a tan and get drunk a bunch," Kiara laughs, when I don't say anything.

"You're not even nervous for New York?" I ask, wishing I could be as easy going as she is.

She shrugs, her blonde hair falling across her shoulder. "I've been waiting forever for this, remember? You'll have to have fun for both of us."

It's true. She's been looking forward to this internship at a small magazine in New York for months. I've been dreading this summer for the same amount of time.

I finish painting my nails, bright blue, and then start waving them around. "I've never had fun there. Ever."

"But a week isn't really enough time to have fun. Now you have eight," she goes on.

"Don't remind me," I say, but add a laugh.

Before she walks home an hour later, we hug for a long time. I've never been apart from her for more than two weeks. We've been best friends since we were five and have spent every day together since then, pretty much. Kiara's mom was basically a second mom to me, for years. In high school I spent more time at their house than at my dad's.

"We will talk every day. Or as often as we can. Yeah?" Kiara says, even though she's crying a bit. She's not usually an emotional one, so this surprises me.

"Yeah," I agree. "Love you."

"I love you," she repeats.

I watch her walk down the sidewalk for three minutes until she turns the corner, out of my sight. She lives a block away and for the next eight weeks we will be the furthest apart we've ever been. I'm going to miss her so much. My head is pounding and my heart hurts as I turn and walk back home.

*

In the morning, my dad and his wife, Jenna, are in the kitchen before I wake up. It's Saturday and usually this house is a zoo on Saturday mornings, but they dropped Annalyn and Thomas off at Jenna's parents house last night, for a sleepover. They are seven year old twins and they were born barely a year after my dad and Jenna started dating. I was eleven and suddenly I had two newborn babies in my house. That was a crazy year and I know I've blocked a lot of it out of my memory. My dad and Jenna got married when the twins were six months old. I love them, of course. But my life hasn't been the same since they were born.

"Morning, sweet pea," Jenna hums as I walk in and right over to the coffee maker. She's a great person, really. She loves my dad and she would die for those twins, but she's not my mom. She's known me for almost ten years. She's been a constant in my life. I appreciate her.

"Hi," I say and then sigh, pouring my cup. My brown, wavy hair is down and messy.

"All ready? You must be excited to spend the summer at the beach!" Jenna goes on. My dad remains quiet.

"I guess so," I say plainly.

"We'll miss you, Teegan. But I know it'll be great for you," my dad finally says.

Great? Really? My mandatory week with my mom each year was fine. But when she suggested the whole summer this year, I thought my dad would deny it. He got full custody of me, ten years ago, because my mom was moving and he wanted to keep me in Seattle, with my friends and my school. Though now I'm eighteen and I don't have to go see my mom at all, but he was the one who encouraged me to go. He said that I need an experience like this, before college. I don't think he's right.

"Well. We should get to the airport," I say, finishing my coffee.

"Yeah," my dad agrees, but I dob5 miss the look he gives his wife.

Jenna hugs me too tight and tells me to video chat often. I agree and say I'll do it for the kids. They are so over scheduled, though, they likely won't even notice I'm not there this summer. They are only seven but they do hockey, gymnastics and piano lessons. Jenna is obsessed with keeping them busy. Maybe I'm just jealous because I didn't get to do any of that when I was a kid.

At the airport an hour later, I'm feeling angry at my dad. It's scary - all of this, but mostly being sent to live with my mom and her new family for a whole summer - and I would rather stay in Seattle , alone, without Kiara, than go to the beach and have to try to fit in where I know I don't belong. But I don't let my dad know this. He wants this for me. So I hug him quickly, tuck my dark hair behind my ear and head off to go through security.