Don't Say You Love Me

Chapter FORTY EIGHT

Teegan

It's insane how fast the next three days go.

I got on the rescheduled flight and went back to Seattle. Things were so up in the air but I had to go. I kissed Oscar and Josie and told them I will call them a lot, and I let my mom hold me in a hug for a long time. But then I got on that flight.

It's Sunday. Those three days in Seattle flew by. I miss Cohen, but a part of me is still angry. Angry he didn't let me in. Angry he didn't say goodbye. I can't do anything about it now. I'm leaving for New York in the morning. My emotions are all over the place.
    I am excited. I've been waiting for this forever. I'm scared. Of new things. New people. Being on my own. I'm also sad. I know there's a chance I'm missing out on what could have been.

I wake up on Sunday and it's the weirdest feeling as I eat breakfast with my dad and Jenna and finish my coffee, knowing it's the last one I'll be drinking in that house for a long time. Maybe I won't ever go back to Seattle to live with them. I really don't know. I got back to Seattle and spent two days doing laundry, re-packing and going over some information from the college. I invited Kiara over and we had a whole day of catching up. The summer was weird for us, not at all what I expected, but I am so looking forward to getting to see her every day again.

"I feel like you should be mad enough to just forget about him," she says from across my bedroom.

It's evening now and this is the second full day we've spent together since I got back. I know she's kidding. She knows me. I told her the entire story about my summer with Cohen on Friday, and she cried with me, swooned with me, and felt what I felt. I told her that I fell in love with him, which is big. It's huge. She knows that I don't really let myself feel that way easily.

"I can't forget him," I say anyway. "He has a piece of my heart back there in California."

Kiara crosses my room and plops down onto my bed. She squeezes my arm and nods.    "I know. I just hate seeing that look in your eyes."

"What look?" I want to know. I'm genuinely curious what she sees.

    "Like you're going to let him keep that piece of your heart forever."

Kiara's sleeping over tonight and my dad is taking us to the airport at 7A.M. Her parents have to work and we made these plans months ago. I'm glad we're going to fly there together. I need her. But she's almost too right about this. She can tell just by looking at me that I won't be able to let Cohen go easily.

I'm also glad she's not holding it against me that I abandoned her all summer. We didn't even get to talk that often. My life in Avila feels like it was some sort of weird dream now that I'm back in Seattle. Except my mom has called daily and Oscar and Josie have talked my ear off each time. It's the best. My mom hasn't mentioned anything about Cohen. I'm glad for that, but I also wish she would tell me something. Anything.

"I didn't think it was just a summer thing with him," I tell Kiara now.  "It felt much more real than that."

    "And yet he pushed you away when things got hard." She's being too serious about this. She doesn't know him like I do, and that's not her fault. She's just being the best friend.

And she's right. But god, I wish things had happened differently.

It's the middle of the night when I hear my phone buzzing next to my bed. Kiera's fast asleep beside me but I haven't fallen asleep yet. Sleeping really hasn't been my thing for the last week. I've gotten about two or three hours each night since I've been back. It's not enough, but I have been getting by with lots of caffeine.