Don't Say You Love Me

Chapter FORTY SIX

Cohen

It doesn't matter what I want, because I had to do what was right for her.

   Loving Teegan came so naturally that it wasn't hard or complicated. I remember the moment I realized that I loved her and I wish I could relive it now, because today sucks. But it doesn't matter that I love her or what I'd much prefer she was by my side right now, because holding her back, keeping her in Avila when she needs to go, would have been far too selfish. When she came to the hospital and I saw her beautiful, sad face - I almost lost it. I almost ran across the room and fell apart in her arms. But she would have tried to stay and take care of me. I had to let her go.

   Today, Wednesday, the doctors are attempting to remove the breathing tubes and lower the sedatives and see if Rex wakes up. They think everything is looking good and they have high hopes, but I'm so scared. I'm terrified of that small chance that he doesn't wake up. I can't imagine living without Rex.

   I went home last night to try to sleep. But all I could think about was Rex in the hospital, in a coma, and Teegan, back in Seattle. Rex's parents have been strong, and hopeful, while I've been weak and depressing. They've let me stay. They've put me on the visitor list. They've hugged me and comforted me. Rex's brother, Trav, is fifteen and he's been a mess. I've tried to comfort him but we ended up just crying together.

   Today, we need good news.

   Why did I let Teegan leave without even saying goodbye to her? My brain is mush and I haven't slept in three days.

  I can't believe this happened to Rex. He has to be okay. He's been on a ventilator keeping him alive for four days. That's too long. He's in a coma. He looks nothing like my best friend, with all the tubes and wires going into his body. I want to hear his laugh. I want to see him open his eyes.

   Yes, we need good news.

   Isaac drove me back to the hospital this morning. He feels horrible that this happened to Rex, though it wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyone's fault besides the stupid driver of the other car. I heard he was tired and falling asleep at the wheel and drove into the lane that their car was in. Fast. Isaac won't even make eye contact with me as we drove back and as I was getting out, he asked me to text him any news. I agreed.

   Now, I'm signing in at the ICU desk with Peg, one of the nurses.

   "Cohen, good morning," she says, smiling at me.

   "I hope so," I say, then take in a deep breath.

   "I hear we are going to try to wake him up," Peg goes on. She looks so hopeful. I felt I felt that hopeful.

   I nod, then sign in and Peg buzzes me in. I have to walk past another desk and down two hallways until I get to Rex's room. The glass doors have the curtains pulled closed inside, but I can see Trav standing inside. I'm about to knock lightly when one of the doctors who has been with Rex since the accident walks up beside me.

   "Today's the day," he tells me in his deep voice. He's older than my mom and greying, but he's pretty friendly and has been optimistic.

  "Yeah," I answer, my voice quiet.

  "Let's go in."

  Rex's parents and Trav are there, along with another nurse. Rex looks about the same, but his hair has been brushed. I get a sudden rush of anxiety, as if there's no way he's going to just wake up and be okay. He looks horrible. Bruised. Trav pats my back and doesn't say anything, but Mrs. Rexton greets me.