Don't Say You Love Me

Chapter FORTY NINE

Teegan

College life is crazy.

   I have classes all day and for some reason I took on an extra bit of responsibilities by agreeing to work in the college library during week two of classes. It's a student position and it's two evenings a week, on my less busy days. The money is barely worth it, but I couldn't say no when it was offered to me. I'm mostly re-shelving books and pointing people in the right direction when needed.

   It's almost a month into college when things finally feel like they are calming down. Besides talking to my dad at least once a week and my mom even more often, it's school-work-study-hang out. I am sleeping okay, which is the most surprising part. But every time my head hits the pillow, I lay there for an hour or more thinking about those eight weeks I spent in Avila. I think about Josie and her cute little face and Oscar and his stories, and the rental hut, and Luke and Rex and Cohen. Of course, Cohen.

   I told him I love him, that night that everything went crazy. That night, two days before I was supposed to leave. We had a plan. We were going to Facetime and video chat and fly to each other on weekends, whenever we could. But then that call came from Rex's mom and Cohen shut down on me. It's crazy that that was a month ago, now that I'm deep in this new routine of my new life.

   The way he closed himself off from me after the accident really shook me. I tried, consistently, for five days, to be there for him. It was bad timing. It was his best friend. I get that. But he looked me in the eye at the hospital that day and told me to leave. Now he expects me to forgive him?

  But of course I still think about him and wonder if he's okay. I want to talk to him. I want to hear his voice and tell him that I miss him too. That I still love him. Because I'm pretty sure I do.

   Instead of that, I text him. It's been a long time. He's sent a lot of texts, but over the last week there have been fewer, maybe two. They are still asking me to call him. They are still saying how sorry he is for the way we ended things.

   I'm walking across campus at 9P.M. after the library closed, back towards my dorm. My phone is in my hand and I pull up his messages. There are like twenty of them that I've read and not answered. Now, just I start typing.

   Hey. I know it's been a few weeks and I haven't replied. It's been busy getting into the flow of things here.

   I hit send before I can back out. I stare at my phone until those three dots appear so I know he's replying. I didn't say I miss him, or that I want him to reply. But he's replying right away.

   Cohen: Omg, hey. How are you?

   Me: I'm good. Busy. I just got off work and I'm walking back to my dorm.

   Cohen: That's awesome, Teegan. Things are good? How's school?

   Me: It's a lot. I barely have time to study and work and hang out with Kiara and my roommate, but we're managing I guess.

   Cohen: Are you sleeping? I mean, in general?

   I smile, because I'm not even surprised he's asking this. It feels so natural to talk to him like this, even though it's been a long time. Even though I left how I did.

   Me: I am, actually. Not too bad.

   Cohen: That makes one of us. I'm back in San Diego at my mom's.