Heathen (Severus Snape x Reader)

18 - Confessions

"Severus Snape?" His eyes widened quickly. I nodded, looking at my lap. I felt weak. My heart was starting to gain speed again and all I could think about was disappointing everybody and getting kicked out of Hogwarts. I couldn't even focus on what Hagrid was saying. I could only hear my own thoughts. Suddenly, I got another unwelcome thought, from something other than my own mind.

Where are you?

I ignored it, trying not to let him in. He was scarily good at legilimens, and I knew that. I tried anyways. I needed to keep him out.

"Y/N? Do you hear me?" I looked over at Hagrid, frowning softly. "Sorry." He nodded and smiled sadly. "Don't worry, just lean back and think things over. I'll leave you be for now. Come to my hut if you ever need anything." I nodded and thanked him. He left the tower and I leaned back against the wall.

I still couldn't believe I let him in. I could've possibly ruined everything. I'm absolutely terrified of what he could say next. Just in time, the door to the tower opened slowly. I knew it was him. I knew it and that's why I refused to open my eyes. I felt him moving closer and I closed my fists around the part of my robe that was draped over my legs. I gripped so tightly that I could feel my knuckles turning white. He sat beside me and stayed silent for a moment.

We just looked into the sky for what was around 10 minutes. I slowly gained the courage to look over at him and when I saw his red eyes I felt my heart break all over again. "Sev..." I paused, not ready to speak to him just yet. He looked over at me and searched my face. I wasn't sure what he was looking for, but I don't think he found it, as he lowered his face down to his lap.

"Listen." He spoke so quietly, I almost couldn't hear him. If it wasn't awkward before, it sure was now.

"I need to tell you something. It's required of me. I know you may not want to hear it, but I must inquire to you." He refused to look at me. He wouldn't even look in my direction. I felt my eyes begin to burn again, knowing what he would say. I quickly opened my mind, begging him to hear it.

Not out loud, please.

He paused and inhaled a sharp breath. He was beginning to shake and I softly burned my gaze into him. I had never seen him this way, was this because of me?

I'm your professor. I need you to hear that. I'm aware it isn't what you need right now, but I am required to bring it up."

I froze, hearing the words I was dreading to come out of his mouth. I knew they were coming, yet I still wasn't prepared. I stared at him, burning holes in the side of his face.

Look at me, Severus.

He shook his head softly, turning the opposite direction from which I faced him.

I can't. I can't look at you right now.

I felt the tears fall from my eyes as I felt my heart ache more than it ever had.

He couldn't even look at me. I didn't mean anything to him. My Hogwarts journey is over all because of a stupid bracelet.

I stood up quickly, beginning to leave the tower. I felt a hand on my wrist and I froze in place. Terrified to leave or turn around. I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything in his presence. I felt like I would explode if he looked into my eyes. He finally used his words, for the first time today. "Y/N." I closed my eyes, hearing the gentle word slip off his tongue ever so gracefully. He was perfect, yet he made me feel so trapped inside.

He didn't speak. I didn't speak. I wasn't even sure what to say. I don't think he was either. He had stopped me without having any idea what he would talk about if it worked. I looked down at the ground. I couldn't feel any worse at this point. I felt destroyed. All of the things I would lose over this. Quidditch, Prefect, My friends, Draco, and most importantly of all, Severus.

He wouldn't let go of my arm, so I did it for him. I pushed out of his grip and made my way to the door. I paused a moment, taking everything in. I inhaled and opened the door, leaving him outside on his own. I needed to be anywhere else but here.

——TS——

I made my way to Dumbledore's office with a bag in hand. I needed to leave, even if it was for just a week. Or longer... if I'm suspended. I muttered the password to his office and stepped onto the hard steps. I made my way up the spinning stairs and noticed Minerva was here, speaking to Albus. I felt my heart ping as I hoped she hadn't been there to discuss me. "Oh, good evening Y/N, what can I do for you?" He gave me a soft smile and I released a breath, realizing he probably didn't know yet.

"I'd like to leave Hogwarts for a week." He raised his eyebrows and looked over at Minerva, who was now looking at me curiously. "Why would you want to do that, dear?" She asked. I looked down at my feet, avoiding all the contact I could. "I feel as though my mental health has compacted me in a way that I feel compelled to take a break." I heard a quiet release of breath, looking up to be met with Dumbledore's kind smile and Minerva staring at me with pity. I hated when people pitied me, but I was in no place to stop her right now.

"Sure thing."

He was almost cut off by Minerva, who spoke quickly with a serious tone: "You will be staying at my home. You are in no fit place to return to your place of stay. I will be checking in on you everyday or so to make sure you are doing alright. That is the only way I will allow you to go." I widened my eyes, but eventually nodded. "Fine."

She smiled and looked back at Albus. "Alright, it's settled. Minerva, if you would take her there, please."

The Professor nodded and she took my bag from my arm, leading me to the door. Once we had exited his office she smiled over at me. "I'm glad you're taking the step to realizing you need a break. Everybody could use one at one point." I gave her a nod, not able to conjure up a smile. We were walking in the hallway, now approaching the exit to the school. I froze when I noticed Severus was standing next to the doors. Why was he here? Right now? This is the last thing I needed.

Minerva stopped shortly after me. Turning around to look at me. "Are you alright, dear?" I nodded, my gaze fixed on the floor. I'd have to walk by him. I just won't look. I will be fine. I began to walk again, stepping beside McGonagall as she led me to the doors. As I walked past him, I felt a cold breeze. He seemed freezing. How long did he stay outside...?

You're leaving?

I panicked as I got the thought in my head. I didn't want to speak, I couldn't.

Talk to me, please. Why are you going? Were you expelled?

I ignored him again, hoping he would drop it. He didn't.

Y/N, speak to me, I'm begging you.

I snapped.

Begging. You're begging me? If you must know, I'm leaving because of you.

I left it at that, exiting the castle with Minerva next to me. She stopped shortly after we left the doors. "May I ask... why is it you seemed so tense just then, Y/N?" I paused, not wanting to discuss it with her. I didn't trust her enough yet. I take it she got the hint as she began walking again. I quickly caught up to her, following closely behind.

——TS——

I was now sitting in Minerva's apartment. She told me to make myself at home, showing me where my room was and everything I needed to know before she left. I was alone, examining everything. Her home was a cute and cozy apartment. She had a tuxedo-colored cat named Jingles who loved to cuddle. She owned many book shelves, filled with books that seemed to be untouched. She must be too busy to read any of them. I told her just before she left to please alert Draco and Amelia of my absence, hopefully she would.

Jingles suddenly jumped up onto my lap as I sat on the couch. I grinned, softly petting the cat who was now purring as it laid in a ball on my legs. Cute. I always loved cats, just never had one of my own since my family situation was never up-to-par.

I maneuvered the cat, twisting my body to lie down on the comfy couch. I rested my head back against the sofa arm, closing my eyes. I thought about everything that had happened earlier, how I was so incredibly stupid to ever think that was a good idea. He probably hates me now. I wouldn't blame him.

However, the other part of me was telling myself that he couldn't hate me. He was acting pretty strange in the astronomy tower. He looked like he had been crying, he refused to look at me, he even grabbed my wrist and held it until I left him. I left him alone in the cold.