the day i lost you | ronance

FOURTEEN

what if you weren't alone?
there were kids in the car?

-

ROBIN HAD AN amazing time that night. it was better than any night with aidan- it was even better than any night she had since her accident. for a moment- just a moment- she was able to forget about everything. aidan. her accident. it was nice to just be existing in the moment for a little while.

as they pulled back into the driveway, robin looked over at nancy. "thank you again. that was so much fun"

"i'm just happy you came. and that you don't hate me anymore. are we friends now?"

"i didn't hate you. i just needed healing time. and yeah, we're friends," robin smiled.

"i know. i'm sorry i didn't give you healing time. i just....it doesn't matter. i'm sorry"

"it's okay," robin assured, and nancy smiled. both of them climbed out of the car, and went in the front door.

"i'm really tired, so i think i'm going to head to bed. night robin," nancy said with a yawn, already heading up the stairs.

"night nancy"

robin made her way to the kitchen, finding steve sitting at the table.

"hey, how was your night?" steve asked, taking a bite of his oreo cookie.

"it was amazing. nancy took me to the aquarium and then we went to a really peaceful spot and looked at the stars"

"two things you love"

"yep," robin sat at the table, reaching for an oreo from the package. however, her hands hit the plastic at the bottom of the package. "steve! did you eat all the oreos?"

"no," he said unclearly, oreos filling his mouth. robin let out a laugh, and steve did too. "stop making me laugh i'm going to choke"

"maybe it's payback for eating all the oreos"

"ouch. you want me to choke and die?"

"only sometimes," robin smiled, and steve playfully punched her in the arm. "i have a question for you"

"what's up?"

"what's it supposed to feel like when you kiss someone?"

"did you and nancy kiss?" steve asked, mouth hanging open.

"no! answer the question"

"well i don't really know how to describe it. it's supposed to feel like passionate i guess. like it's just supposed to feel...right? like you should be like 'yeah, this feels like it's supposed to happen'. i guess that's the best i can explain it"

"but what if it doesn't feel like that?"

"then that wasn't the person for you," steve took a pause, looking at robin. "are you talking about aidan?"

"yeah. it just never really felt like anything. it just felt...off. like it shouldn't be happening"

"have you ever considered the fact that maybe it was because aidan wasn't your type?"

"what do you mean?"

"like maybe you should try something different. new person, new...gender?"

robin looked at steve. she knew exactly what he meant. he was talking about nancy.

right after her accident, she would've said he was crazy. she would've yelled at him for even suggesting that. but now, after the night she had, she wasn't sure if the idea was so crazy.

when they were looking at the stars, she was looking at nancy. she couldn't tear her eyes off of nancy. it was like she was caught in a trance caused by nancy's beauty.

"plus, you did kiss nancy last night," steve added.

"what?!"

"yeah, nancy told me. she was happy about it. really happy. i wasn't supposed to tell you, and i didn't plan on it....but, you look like you were actually considering my answer from earlier"

"why did nobody tell me?"

"we didn't want to upset you. you were already upset about aidan and we didn't know how you'd react to that too"

"i guess that's a valid reason," robin sighed, "but i would've liked to know"

"well...better late than never, right?"

"yeah, i guess. look, thanks for the help. i'm going to bed. i'm tired. night steve, thanks for the talk"

"anytime. love you, rob"

"love you too, dingus"

-

robin laid in her bed for an hour, just staring at the ceiling. this was hard for her. she had spent the past few months convincing everyone that she had no feelings for nancy. she told herself that. she believed it.

but, as she has now realized, it's hard to do that. it's hard to tell yourself who you're attracted to. if she was attracted to nancy, she'd just have to accept it.

but then again, what if she's just trying to convince herself that the reason she felt nothing with aidan was because she liked nancy? what if she was just broken?

she wanted to scream. she wanted to scream at her past self for getting in that car. she wanted to scream at her post-accident self for pushing nancy away- for hurting her. and she wanted to scream at her present self for getting stuck in this situation.

she knew steve was right though. the reason that she never felt anything with aidan could be because she wasn't into men.

however, she didn't know that for a fact. what if she wasn't into nancy like that? the last thing she wanted to do was try kissing nancy and not liking it. that would hurt nancy even more, and that was the last thing on earth she wanted to do. nancy had been through enough.

to say robin was conflicted was an understatement. she didn't want to live wondering if she was into women after all, but she didn't want to hurt nancy again.

her mind was racing at what felt like a thousand miles per hour. she couldn't silence it no matter how hard she tried. she figured that if she ever wanted to get any sleep, she needed to make up her mind about this situation. but what to do?

robin weighed her options again, thinking deeply about each option. in the end, she figured she would sleep on it and decide in the morning. just to make sure she was going to do the right thing.