Indecisive Heart

Chapter 30

The next day in school I tried to make eye contact with my friends, but the only one who looked at me was Finn at lunch. He didn't sit by me though. I sit alone now. Asher sits at a corner table by himself, Finn sits with his basketball friends, and Rory sits with her other friends. I don't mind the quiet, but I miss Rory. I saw her looking at my bruised hand in class today, but she wouldn't look me in the eye.

The past week has been rough, but it gave me a lot of solitary thinking to do.

When it was finally my last day of detention, I finished my homework early and then decided to brainstorm how I can fix this mess. I can't make a decision on Finn and Asher until I fix things with Rory, because my heart is more attached to Rory than either of the boys. She's my best friend, and I can't do anything without her, so I need to fix things with her first before I can fix anything else. I decided to write her a letter asking me to meet me before practice tomorrow. I stuffed it in her locker after detention was over and then went home for the day.

The next morning I watched from afar as Rory opened her locker and found the note. She read it and put it in her pocket. Good, maybe she'll actually be willing to meet me.

The rest of the day I practiced what I wanted to say to her over and over in my head.

The time finally arrived for us to meet, so I went to the locker room and waited. After a few minutes, the creaky door opened, and in walked Rory. I stood up and looked at her. Neither of us said anything for a minute, then I spoke up.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for all of what I said to come out, I was just frustrated and confused. It was rude and selfish of me to say those things to you and I shouldn't have said any of it. I feel stu-"

"No, I'm the sorry one." Rory spoke up. "After you said all those things, I realized it was all true. I broke up with him. I don't know why I put up with him anyways. I'd rather not have a boyfriend at all than be fighting about a guy you were right about the whole time anyways. He wasn't worth my time. And don't think you're the reason we broke up. I was thinking about it for a while, but for some reason I just kept holding on thinking he'd get better. It's better this way, and I'm sorry I put you through all that. You were just trying to protect me all this time."

I sighed in relief and smiled through tears.

"I punched him in the face. The detention was worth it." Rory laughed and opened her arms for a hug. We embraced and cried into each other's shoulders. I got my best friend back.

Before practice we talked some more and caught each other up on what has been happening in the past week. After practice Rory came over to my house to help me figure out what to do about Finn and Asher.

"I just don't know what to do, Rory." I whined. "Well, they both obviously like you. You've become great friends with Finn and you always have a great time when you hang out. On the other hand, you've had a crush on Asher ever since you laid eyes on him, and you talk about him like he's the greatest thing in the world. So it's really up to you." She considered. "But I don't want to hurt either of them." I pouted.

"Well," she continued, "Finn seemed pretty upset when you let him down after your date, but Asher also seemed sad ever since you told Finn you'd be his prom date. So they're basically both already hurt."

"Ugh, I didn't want any of this to happen!" I flopped onto my bed. Why can't feelings be straightforward? Then I remembered Sophia telling me to follow my heart, and I sat up. "Rory, I think I got it. I'm going to follow my heart, I think it's finally speaking to me."

The next day I stuck a note in both Finn and Asher's lockers. Right before lacrosse practice, I waited outside the gym for my first encounter.

I saw big broad shoulders, confident posture, and caring brown eyes approach me.

"Hi Finn." I said. He came, just as I'd asked in the letter. "Thanks for meeting me. You told me to let you know when I figured out what I want, and I have finally figured that out."

"Okay." He sighed shakily, awaiting what I had to say.

"You mean a lot to me. We became really close this year and I cherish every moment we have together. You make me laugh and I enjoy hanging out with you."

He smiled.

"That is why I think it would be better if we remained friends."

He frowned.

"I really did enjoy our date. I had a great time, but after thinking about it, I realized it felt like we were just hanging out as friends. I really like having you as my friend, and I don't want to put our friendship in jeopardy again. I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear, and I know it's probably not the first time I've let you down, and I'm sorry for that. I haven't been a reliable friend to you and I'll understand if you need some space or would rather not be friends. But I hope you reconsider, and that eventually we can get back to being the good friends that we once were. I'd like that very much."

Finn sighs a long sigh, then nods. "I understand. I'm going to need some time to get over it, but I think we can be friends again. You're a good person, Sadie Nolan. Thanks for being honest with me."

"Thank you for understanding, Finn. You're a great friend." I say, and go in for a hug. A friendly hug. It feels right. I smile as he waves and walks away, and then I go into lacrosse practice.

After practice, I quickly pack up my things. I walk out to my car to find a tall, skinny, and tan looking boy with beautiful brown hair and deep brown eyes that can touch my soul standing by my car, just as I asked him to in my letter.

"Hi Asher." I smile. Before he can say anything, I hand him an envelope, say "see you around," get in my car, and drive away.

Inside the envelope I included pictures. Pictures of Asher and me from when we hung out before prom and before Finn. A picture of him in his pretzel uniform as he was getting ready to go to work after school. A picture of us on the lacrosse field when he came to say hi before one of my practices. A picture of him taking a picture for the yearbook. Lastly, a picture of the first time we hung out together, when he made me feel better. I also included a note that reads, "Truth is, I like guys who sell pretzels and take pictures of me. Sorry it took me so long to figure that out. I hope you can forgive me. See you around. –Sadie."

I realized that all this time I was denying the fact that Finn liked me because deep down I knew I liked Asher. I liked Finn as my friend, and I didn't want to hurt him, so I tried to hide my feelings for Asher in order to make Finn happy. Eventually I just got my feelings confused, but I was able to silence my thoughts and listen to my heart.

Finn is a great guy, but at the end of the day, my feelings for him end in friendship. We have a great bond, and I don't want to lose that.

Asher, on the other hand, makes me feel like I'm seen. I can be completely myself around him. He dances for me in public and makes a fool of himself just to see me smile. He listens to what I have to say, and I feel like I can say anything to him. He gives me butterflies, and when I look into his eyes I see fireworks. I may not know him as well as I know Finn. but I'd like to get to know him better. My heart is pulling me to Asher, and so, if I can make things right with him, hopefully he will still feel the same way about me.