Fair Conversation ~ The Voices In My Head's GC

quiet

My brain screams at me, many voices saying different things. Somehow, if I stare long enough, I can listen to them and understand what they say.

~

You would never see me without anything in, or on my ears. Every day, I'm constantly listening, talking, never letting it be silent.

I hate silence. It suffocates me because it never truly is silent. When the speaking stops, the movie, the music, or even the white noise stop, I'm left with the voices that I try so hard not to hear. The voices constantly remind me of everything that's wrong with my life, with myself. The voices that are so inherently loud and overcoming, if I don't plug up my ears with noise, I become bedridden for weeks.

That's why I love being with my friends a lot. They make me smile, make me laugh, and make it quiet. Even when they leave at the end of the day, their words still play in my head on repeat, making me smile. The constant reminder of them makes my mind feel safer as if it wasn't trying to sabotage me every chance it got.

I put on my noise-canceling headphones and sit in front of my computer. Grabbing the mouse, I go to Microsoft Word and start to write.

As much as I hate to admit it, when it's silent, when I have a chance to hear them, that's when the magic happens. In my pain, art starts to form.

It may seem weird, but there are times I choose to hear the voices, making the pit in my heart bigger and deeper. The pain, at times, is pleasant. I don't understand it, but it's addicting. The feeling makes me wonder, what is it like to feel it physically, not just emotionally?

I truly am terrified of my mind. This noise, these written words, and these friends are the only thing that is stopping me from doing something stupid.