Fair Conversation ~ The Voices In My Head's GC

the birthday curse

This is the third year in a row. 

The third year my birthday... did not go to plan, to say the least.

Now here I've decided to immortalize these notes, always a day before my birthday, and somehow it always got worse— even when I thought it was impossible.

I'm doing this hoping that next year will be different. It would be my 18th birthday after all.

~

6/26/21

Y'know, I spent most of this day outside. Wanting to cry, but couldn't in front of so many people. Waiting for that moment I get home, take a shower, and wallow in self-pity.

Bawl, and bawl, and bawl until the sun sets, until I fall asleep. Break everything in sight, and throw it at a holographic figure of my relatives. Mostly Tess. Not 'tita tess' anymore. My heart hurt more than anything I've ever felt today.

Invested all my time with them when they were present. But do you know the crazy thing? I took a shower to cry, making my eyes redder than two tomatoes. It's just that, I spent my five minutes in the shower, trying and trying to let go of the feelings I possessed today. 

But nothing. Zero. I didn't feel sad or angry or anything. Just neutral. Looking forward to the day ahead. Forgetting the cousins and aunts that I've spilled my precious tears for. Not anymore, not again.

~

6/26/22

Hey, guess what. I'm back!

I wonder what it's like to have a birthday where I don't feel completely depressed the day before. So many things have happened, but I have time, and I'm glad to summarize it for you.

I have friends now, friends that truly love me, and I love them. Friends that think of me, friends in Christ. I invited them to my birthday, after months of fumbling around on who I'm going to invite. Right now, I'm currently messaging one of the friends I made, and I honestly couldn't be better.

Now the reason I'm depressed is because of my dad. He promised to give me a good birthday, but now here he is, ghosting me. Ignoring my calls. Didn't even send his monthly support, but that's alright. I just wanted to celebrate with friends.

Since my dad didn't keep his word, instead of celebrating on the 24th, I'll end up celebrating on the 2nd of July.  And guess who's coming to the rescue again? My brother. The best brother in the world. The one who had to take over and provide, work his ass off until he got sick just so we could be happy. Yeah, that brother.

So now, here I am. Sitting in front of my brother's computer typing this before my 16th birthday. I had imagined thousands of possible ways that my birthday could go, but I never thought of this.

We're basically hiding from Meralco because my aunt, Tita Baby, won't pay the money she's due. We have to sleep during the day in our 'hideout' and chill during the night at home, when Meralco can't come.

Yeah, lowkey depressing situation right now. Never imagined this happening. But oh well, it's happening. I wonder what it's like next year. If things get better or worse, if i finally don't get depressed the day before.

But I thank the Lord, so many prayers have been answered, and I hope it only goes up from this. 

Oh well.

~

6/26/23

Hi, it's me again. I did not expect myself to be here a third time, but it's happening.

I just went through the most vicious year of my life, dare I say even more challenging than my dad leaving for a second time. I wouldn't say this year is worse— because it's better. So much better so, past me can rest easy.