Fair Conversation ~ The Voices In My Head's GC

January 2, 2023

~ Incoherent Rant

Every day the clock tics, the days go by, the wrinkles on my face start to form, responsibilities and priorities weigh over me.

Slowly, it starts to become clear to me that this isn't a dream, that this world isn't just in my head. Things won't always magically go the way they should as they have up to this point. I'm losing time, the future is becoming my present at an alarming rate and I fear I'm not ready.

There is this fog in my head that stumps my ability to comprehend things at face value. I find myself not caring at all and just letting life do its thing.

Aren't I too young to be doing this? Aren't my teen years supposed to be enjoyed, making dumb decisions, and living life on the edge? Why am I worrying about bills, work, money, land, and investments right now? I know it's a blessing to figure these things out right now and reap the fruit later in life, but isn't it so early?

It's always been like this, being ahead. I guess I have my mom and brother to thank for that. Even when I was younger, I was always ahead. Ahead of my grade, ahead of what my age is supposed to be doing.

I was always praised for being mature for my age, and thinking like the people who are years older than me. I will admit, at times it is a nice feature to have, but at least once in my life, I'd like to be a kid.

I want to get drunk on birthdays and go on spontaneous rendezvous with the people I love and spend money on clothes and food instead of saving money for electricity and land. I want to be able to buy my friends gifts and go to their houses, sleep at their place not just once a year. I want to be young, but it seems that isn't an option.

"You're blessed to know this at your age, Asia. When I was younger, I was off doing dumb stuff that I shouldn't have done."

I understand, and I'm grateful. But aren't you basically making me what you never were? Why not let me figure all this stuff out for myself, and grow at my own pace? My mind can't handle all this because I don't even want to do this shit. You do you, please. Leave me alone. I want to decide where my money goes, I want to live alone or with friends. Not spend my entire fucking life stuck here in this hot-ass province living near my family. I want to go out and do my own thing, not what you want me to do. Everything is going too fast and I don't know how to slow it down.

I just want to be fucking happy.