Fair Conversation ~ The Voices In My Head's GC

a mess of words

I realized something today, something that just made reality clear once again. The kind of realization that pulled me out of the fantasy world my mind had created.

Something that removed the clouds from my vision, but I doubt it would last long. I write this as I feel it creeping back, I'm about to sink back in, so let me get this all on paper before I'm gone for God knows how long.

I'm getting used to working 7 days a week, including Sundays. To the point where when I'm at church, I'm thinking about work.

Or during the week if I slept longer than I planned, I think, "Damn it, I slept for 6 hours. I wasted time, I should've been working instead."

Which I realize now is not healthy at all healthy. I'm so burnt out and tired, I do my best with work every day and I don't want to do anything but lay in my bed and melt into my sheets.

"Take a break," she said. A break? I feel as though I don't deserve one. Why is it like this?

I can't even get out of the house cause everywhere else is repellant to me if I don't have my phone or any connection to the internet. Why can't I find any damn reason to live my life other than this?

My life's been like this since the new year started, but damn. I didn't know.

I wasn't aware, I wasn't here. How come I can't find someone who truly understands? Why can't I even tell my own mom? Why can't I do anything other than write in my book and cry? I'm so tired I really don't know what to do. I haven't felt genuinely happy in so fucking long. There's always that pit in my stomach, that voice in my ear, those thoughts at the back of my mind.

When did this start? Why am I like this? Will it always be like this?

Will I ever be happy like the days when it was simple?

I'm trying to be happy, I really am. It's just so hard.