Fair Conversation ~ The Voices In My Head's GC

current state

I talk to myself, this is old news.

~

I talk as if I'm conversing with another, yet I'm alone. Often, I don't realize I say things in my head instead of out loud in group settings. When I'm alone though, I do speak out loud, it helps with processing thoughts and— whatever! This isn't the point of the chapter. 

When I do talk to myself, I refer to myself as "we". I've suspected that I do that so it seems "less weird" that I converse with myself, but I think I've found the actual answer.

Whenever I look in the mirror or see pictures of me, I think; "Wow! That's a pretty girl." With the realization coming shortly after that it's actually me. This is because I feel as though I don't belong in my body. The way I look in my mind is different from how I look in real life. 

I believe that is reason one for why I refer to myself as "we".

The next reason is because of this. Since I don't see myself as my own body, I regard it as a whole different person, with my mind being one person and my body being another. As if I have to physically tell my body things for it to understand what I'm thinking, just like you would do for another person. Simply thinking isn't enough for me.

Now, this is really useful for me to retain information and basically thrive through my everyday life, but it would be seen as unusual in public, and so I don't do this with people around. I put on a mask as a "typical highschool girl" when in reality all my focus is to act and be normal.

I'm a really talkative person, and I've got way too much to say. Ideas and words and images and visuals are just flowing in my brain and I wish I could just be myself and tell everyone about it, but I don't think that's possible anymore considering what happened the last time I did that. So I've involuntarily become the quiet person in class or in general. Here's the thing though.

When I'm tired, which is the majority of the time, my mask slips and I laugh at a few jokes I, my brain, made to me, my body. My classmate caught me once and it was mortifying. It's really hard to prevent especially when I disassociate throughout the day.

This isn't my usual type of chapter where I would be all poetic and crazy about things, I just want to update my future self on where I'm at <3