Fair Conversation ~ The Voices In My Head's GC

anger

Recently, I've been immediately resorting to self-harm every time I'm incredibly annoyed, irritated, or angry about a situation I cannot control.

It's not like the self-harm I used to do—crying alone in the bathroom, silently slashing the life out of my thighs.

It's been more;

trying to pull my hair out,

or,

pounding my fist on my thigh until it ached,

or,

squeezing my hands so tightly despite having long nails and cutting my palms,

or,

silently staring at the unlocked car door as I'm being yelled at, calculating what would happen if I flung myself out while we were going 60 kms/h. Later, I deduced that it would only be enough to injure me— not kill me.

My mind would immediately search for the nearest thing that could hurt me during these moments, and my own anger scares me.

I start shaking violently and my mind starts racing about all types of violence, even running head-first toward an over-speeding truck and killing myself.

It's really concerning because I've always had violent thoughts, but I would think them voluntarily. These are not voluntary at all. It's impulsive and irrational and very in-the-moment.

I forget about all my values and virtues and I twitch to hurt something— or someone— and so I turn this aggression toward myself.

I don't want to be like this, and I really will work on myself.

I just don't have anyone to tell this to, well, anyone who I know would understand.

I really do think I need professional help before anything else develops.