Fair Conversation ~ The Voices In My Head's GC

wonder when

Sometimes I think it was best if I stayed unhappy. If I did, I wouldn't feel this incredible pain of losing what I never had.

~

I wonder when I would stop envying the kids my age. The ones with both parents are alive and well. The ones who don't have to worry about what they're going to eat the next day. The ones that can spare their teenage years thinking about the trivial— the things that wouldn't matter in about 5 or 10 years.

I wonder when I would get better. Punishing and beating myself up over things I can't control. Starving and overeating, crying and cutting, ignoring then reluctantly facing the consequences. Not doing anything about the things I could control. Self-sabotage at its finest.

I wonder when I can be fully honest with that one person. 

I wonder when this pit would go away. That bottomless, never-ending pit that comes back every time I'm alone. I can't even put this feeling into audible words because I've got no words for it. I long for someone to speak to, but once they're there I've got nothing to say.