The stupid life I have

Adapting

What does it feel like when the world suddenly collapses?
What does it feel like when all you knew, suddenly disappears into a blurry darkness that you can't reach or change in even the slightest way.
What happens?
Do you disappear?
Become one with the darkness and sink into an even darker hole that has nothing else to offer then the feeling of emptiness?
Or do you adapt?
Change yourself to fit in.
Change for the gap that has appeared in your life.
Adapt so you can live.
So you can feel normal again.

I've never seen myself as an unnormal person. More like the person that is so basic you want to throw up.
Atleast that's what I always wanted to do whenever I thought about the way I looked, the way  I smiled and the way I acted.
I wanted to throw up.
Throw myself against a wall an stay there.
In the pain.
In the silence.
Where no one could see me.

I closed my eyes for a second. Took a deep breath.
Then I opened them again and stepped outside, where there was no silence.
The rain felt cold on my warm skin. My cheeks and eyes where hot and swollen from the tears that had been wiped away so many times, that the cold water burned just a little bit on the sore skin.
Although it was raining, the streets weren't as empty as I had thought. A bunch of people were walking in the rain. Bend under there jackets and Umbrellas, trying so hard to escape the rain.
I looked at them. Wondering.
Who are they? What is there story? Where are there heading?
To school? To home?
My eyes wandering over the people, I stood there. In the rain.
Just watching them. Not thinking, not walking. Just watching.
Some might say this behavior sounds an awful amount like a psychopath, but that's not what I am. Alt least that's not what I like to call myself.
I am a normal person. Maybe some times a little bit to normal, or so I find in some situations.
As I stood there and watched those people, hovering over a map of subway lines, trying to keep the map from falling apart and getting soggy from the rain, I felt something.
I felt joy.
The rain was bringing me joy. I felt the corners of my mouth tighten into a slight smile.
It was bringing me joy.
I lifted my head up in the sky, starring right into the rain I tried keeping my eyes opened.
I laughed. It was stupid really, finding joy in something that is as simpel as rain. But I did.
I felt happy. Truly happy.
Keeping my head turned to the sky, I closed my eyes and listend. The voices of the people around me suddenly disappeared and all I could hear was the calming sound of the rain, falling down and how it hit the floor.

Looking back, I feel stupid for thinking that it actually brought me joy. It didn't, or maybe just a little bit.
I had to like the rain.
One because everybody that is cool I guess likes the rain.
And two, when you're living in a city where it rains almost everyday, you have to adapt. Change your perspective so you can focus on other things.
You have to get over the dam weather so it stops dragging you down.
So you can actually think, and stop complaining about the fact that it sucks.
Cause yes it does. The weather sucks some times.
But live sucks always, and to get over that is way more time consuming than getting over the rain.
So stop hating it.
Accept it.