The stupid life I have

My word against another word

I'm sick of writing I love you all over the page but at the same time I want to scream it in your ear.
I know that what I say doesn't make much sense, but still I'm talking more. And when I stop, when I finally stop talking, you say:

I love you

The other people were talking too loud while I was sitting alone at my desk.
With headphones in my ears, listening to a song that had been stuck in my head for the last 3 days.
Internaly I was screaming the lyrics.
Not shure why, because they didn't really mean anything to me.
But still, something inside of me was screaming.
I looked around the room, no one was looking, no one cared.
Which was good.
It was good that they didn't care.
Because if they did care, they would see it, they would see everything.

I'm not saying that no one saw me, they did, but most of them just didn't care as much to really look at me.
They would gaze by, give me that weird little smile were your lips disappear and your head tilts a bit, just like a nodd.
But no one saw me.
The problem was just, I saw them, or atleast I saw more of them than they wanted me to.

I saw them gaze into the distance because they were jelaous but didn't want to show.
I saw how they got quiet and couldn't even walk properly because of how much pain they were in.
I saw what pills they were taking inbetween lessons because their head was pounding so bad they couldn't hear there own thoughts.
I saw their hands curl into a fist under the desk, how they clenched their hand together so thight that the nuckles were going white.
I saw their fear when they had to stand up and their dissapointment in themselfs when they didn't do as good as the others.

But all I ever did was see it, and when I tried to talk about it, when I asked them if they were ok, all I ever heard was a simple and quiet:

Yeah, I'm alright

And even though it wasn't, all alright, I couldn't say anything because even if I did, it would be my word against theirs.

So I turned up the volume and closed my eyes, so I wouldn't see them, so they wouldn't see me, looking at them, so all that they saw, was their classmate, sitting alone at their desk with headphones in their ears and with their eyes closed.
Not looking.
Not seeing.