The stupid life I have

Waves and the Breakingpoint

Other bodys brushed against mine as I tried to leave the room.
I looked over my shoulder, searching for those eyes, to tell them I'm ok, to show them I'm ok.
Even though I'm not.
And they know.

The thoughts in my head were too loud, the fear of my feelings showing too big.
Before I could even look for them, their eyes already found mine.
I blinked, once.
Slowly and with reasurens.
They looked at me, one second longer than normal, so that I knew they cared.
Then they blinked back.

I turned back around, my eyes filling up with tears as I pushed strangers asside while trying to get out of this dam room.

The moment I heard the door close behind me, my body started to shake.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, trying to stop thinking.
My hands tightend into a fist and I felt my nails digging slowly into my flesh as I stumpled to the bathroom.
I couldn't breath.
Couldn't stop.
My whole body felt like a giant uncontrollable machine, breathing and moving irregularly.

I closed the door of the bathroom and started jumping up and down. The need of my body to move was so big that I couldn't do anything against it.
So I jumped.

Fuck fuck fuck

Stop stop stop

I whispered the words to myself.
So I would finally stop.
I hated the way I felt, the way my body reacted to Stress. Eventhough it wasn't even real Stress.
Anxiety?
Maybe.
I couldn't know.
I haven't been to an specialist, actually I've never been to any kind of psychic.
Though I probaply should.

My thoughts were rambling inside my head.
I stopped jumping.
Grabing my head and banging my fist against my forhead I sank to the floor.
I knew I shouldn't have done it.
I knew that it was bad what I did.
But I couldn't stop it.
Not yet.

After a few minutes my fist finally moved slower and I could drop it down on my lap.
Without me even noticing, I had started to cry.
My eyes hurt and I wiped the tears away that were running down my cheeks.
Why wouldn't it stop?
Why?

I ran my hands over my cheeks one more time, pressing down on the skin under my eyes.
It hurt.
The skin was sore from all the other times that I had wiped away tears, again and again.
I looked up, took a deep breath.
I couldn't stay here longer.
They would worry.
They would know that something was wrong.
And although they knew that something was wrong, I didn't want them to know what.
Didn't want them to know when, or why.

My body felt heavy and tired as I pushed myself off the ground on my feet.
For one Moment the world moved in circles infront of my eyes.
That happened more often since I've started beeing stupid.
Really stupid.
I grabed onto the sink, closed my eyes for one second.
When I opened them again, the world didn't move in circles anymore.
All that I saw, was the face of a girl, starring right at me with eyes so red you could think she smoked... something.
She looked terrible.
The bags under her eyes were dark and deep, like she hadn't sleept in days, and the smeared mascara didn't help it eather.
The girl looked a little bit dead inside.

I shook my head.
Just ones to get myself together, then I wiped away the mascara under my eyes and pinched myself in the cheeks so I wouldn't look so pale.
I took another glanze at the mirror, starring at the girl again, still looking dead inside.
But know she put a smile on her face.
Took a deep breath, and turned around.

I don't quite remember how it did it, but somehow I managed to stay put the rest of the night, and in the morning, when everyone was hangover from the drinks and the laughs, I felt a little bit more alive.
I don't know if it was the fact that everybody was feeling a little bit dead inside that morning, we all sitting at that table, drinking coffee or tea and starring into the cups as if the liquid would bring any hours of sleep back that we had missed.

Soon we all said good bye.
I hugged them one more time before I left, and just when I wanted to pull away, they pulled me a bit closer and whispered those two words in my hair that suddenly made it all ok.
That made it all feel better, and like, even if just for a few hours, I was actually going to feel alive.

Love you